MadHatter

from the horse's mouth

2006-02-07T14:56:00.000-08:00

all of this talk about high school redesign is invigorating and exciting but the one thing that teachers need is unavailable: smaller class sizes. today i heard a snippet of conversation between three of my junior boys that reminded me that kids want smaller classes too. it went something like this:

Terrence: Yo, though, my bro, my bro is at this school where, you know, you got like small classes, like 15 kids in the classroom.
Brad: For real?
Terrence: Yeah, no, um, you know how, like, Ms. MH be all over the classroom helping all these kids and shit and you're screaming "MS! MS!" (exaggerated hand-wave emphasizes point) Well, this way you could have Ms. MH all to yo'self, youknowwhatI'msayin?
Michael: Yeah, for real, you wouldn't have to wait your turn.
Brad: So he's doing good there then?
Terrence: Yeah, he aiight. I mean, you know, he gots special attention. With only 12 kids in the class, I mean, it's tight personal. So he gonna graduate and everything.

On tha real.

i. heart. kids.

2006-02-06T15:29:00.000-08:00

I gave an old student a referral for cussing and "insubordinate" (crazy) behavior. Usually I don't bother sending referrals down to the Taj Mahal because I get an email or a note back asking whether I've contacted the parent and urging me to feel compassion for the child. Yes, I contacted the parent. Surprise, the phone number was wrong. My kids are more nomadic than a Bedouin trader. But what really irritates me is the plea for my patience and compassion, because I obviously kicked the kid out of the room with my big black boot while shouting a litany of curse words at him. Please. I worry about the welfare of my kids all day long and I'd appreciate getting the benefit of the doubt in this department. Compassion is what I do best.

Other than that, things are going well... promise...

welcome back, yo.

2006-02-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

That kid, the one who I wrote about in November, is back in my class. The Powers That Be switched him after an incident involving knives in his other class. Honestly, I feel a very maternal, possessive love toward this kid and, although it may seem cheesy, I consider him home.

You know, he might be one of the biggest and baddest "problem kids" in our school, but the boy has heart. And he comes to my class every day, which I take as a huge compliment.

flash

2005-11-08T16:50:00.000-08:00

today i "scaffolded" in a way i never thought would happen in my classroom. we made flashcards.

my kids have a test on thursday, a rather big test. it involves 40 terms and people that will be tested through multiple choice, short answers, and an essay. i know they can handle this. the quantity of terms however, was a little intimidating so i offered extra credit on the test if my students made flash cards. during the course of first period i realized, as my little demons were plugging away, that this flashcard business was gonna take some time. and because i'm determined to prove that flashcards can help one learn, i pushed back the test until thursday. i never thought i'd have to use class time in a junior level course to make flashcards. i mean, really. but um, see, my kids...will FAIL if i don't teach them how to study. and in the future i'm going to give the terms for the flashcards ahead of time (to be done as homework) but i didn't plan that far ahead. madhatter be busy in her off time, yo, and i didn't make the review until last night. so yeah. we flashcarded it. i'll be interested to see the results.

on a completely different note... i've been thinking about this kid today. i had an infamous student in my class last year, one who was routinely kicked out of classes. we had a bond and, although he's a pretty difficult kid, we worked together and got him through history. so, he's in another class this year and he's failing. i talked to the drop-out intervention specialist and she recommended we move him into my class. and here i sit at the cross-roads.

my first year i would have gladly accepted him. my heart was bleeding into my brain and i couldn't use rational thought to save my life. my second year i accepted kids who were difficult, worked with them, and watched them wear me down even as i loved them. so my problem is that the class this kid will enter is my WORST class. it's the class with the crazies and the class with the horrible kid who cussed me out for no reason on friday and the class where i have hormonal boys jumping off the wall and who's parents can't seem to control them. i'm afraid to put the kid in this period. i don't know if he'll actually thrive. i don't know if i can handle it. i don't know if i'm being realistic or selfish.

i can't "read" my gut reaction either. my intuition is all fucked up because i really love this child but i'm so worn down by my class. then again, i don't know if this kid even wants to be in my class. he could have friends in that class and may be offended if i take him out.

i just don't want him to drop out.

let me do the damn thang.

2005-11-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

it seems that my old madhatter craziness is returning and i'm enjoying the students again. i've admitted to myself that my personality riles them up and that i'm not good at running a utilitarian classroom. i feel pressure from the Old Regime to run a factory styled classroom and it's just not me. with that said, my kids are scary and animalistic, perhaps cannibalistic, and they do need to be tamed. granted, they are seated (although my third period has some serious problems with this tricky task) and there's some sense of order in my classroom. but it can get a little chaotic.

i know i'm enjoying my students and their antics more because i'm laughing again and sharing stories. i'm a pretty vivacious person and i always have a story to tell, albeit sometimes i have to conclude my anecdote with "okay, this wasn't a very good story" or "that sounded better in my head." i love to tell stories of my crazy high school teachers to my students, and because i had some definite crazies, they usually go over pretty well. i suppose this storytelling is cyclical and i'm the crazy who is and will be talked about for years to come. but whatev.

it's funny, actually. i would never act as obnoxiously outside of the classroom. a few weeks ago one of my students asked, "ms, do you hang out with other teachers? because i just can't see you hanging out with, like, adults." i'm like, "yes, teacher. has. friends." but then i started thinking about the singing, the dancing, the facial expressions, the crazy jokes and laughing, the completely nerdy exuberance expressed over historical data... it's almost like i'm two people. i mean, teaching is acting, but i'm not pretending.

so when my principal recommended me to host a student teacher i hesitated and declined. i feel like my classroom needs some fine tuning, i mean, the car runs but it's not a smooth ride. i run my classroom with a special emphasis on relationships and i feel like this can't be emulated, rather, this is a teaching style that must come from the heart. and, let's face it, i don't think i'm worthy of observation and guidance yet. i think i need a few more years under my belt. you know, for some fine tuning.

why we gotta hate people, ms?

2005-10-31T17:27:00.000-08:00

i've got the best and the worst in my third period. this class is filled to the brim, and with the personality and energy of my students it's practically boiling over. the good thing about this is that we have lots of "teachable moments" and there is general enthusing at times. the bad aspect is that I'm trying to tame a class of monkeys, monkeys who are enabled by their parents and think of themselves as gods. they are teenagers at their best and worst.
take today for example. we're discussing immigration in the late 1800s. nativism is introduced and someone says something about the kkk. "but ms," another kid asks, "how come they can wear their hats and their sheets? they can't do that. like, how we can't wear gang colors here." ahh, a teachable moment. rules vs. laws and civil liberties are discussed. it's a good moment. then we move on in our discussion of immigration.
"i think they should build a great wall of america. mexicans just need to stay out," a kid pipes up. these kids are espousing racist rhetoric and, once again, conveying the gap between mexican american vs. mexican mexican (to use my student's language). they don't use words like wetback but the sentiment is the same. a conversation ensues between the students about immigration. "how can you hate mexicans when you are one?" "i'm not mexican, i don't know nobody in mexico" "yeah but you used to be a real mexican at one point" until one kid resorts to outright racist rhetoric and i stop the conversation. it's frustrating because my blood is boiling but i'm trying to be a good teacher and let the kids talk it out, hoping someone will learn something about tolerance. i'm trying to use clever guiding questions but after the conversation i feel depressed and frustrated.
anyway, the class is always teetering on "out of control" because they won't stop fucking shouting things out or asking about shit. most of it is filtered but sometimes, and i'm not proud of this, i stop what we're doing and say with a sigh, "alright third period. we're going to stop for one minute to talk about this. because i know you need to get it out and i'd rather just talk about it once and for all." this is what birthed our conversation about immigration. i can't tell if i'm caving in or going with the flow. is my class a mess or just messy?

blogging.

2005-10-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

i haven't had the time to blog. i'm too exhausted in my free moments to think clearly about my job. and really, this year has been kinda tough. it swirls around me and i have trouble grasping pieces to talk about. i'm afraid this would turn into a mega bitchfest.
i've been pretty disillusioned with the whole education system lately, which says a lot because i've never thought too highly of it. maybe it's the third year blues. i don't know.
so i don't know if i'm going to continue blogging...given my lack of time, my feelings about this year, and my fear of losing my anonymity. really, i fear my voice is empty and hollow in this space, much like its impotence in the world of education.

better.

2005-10-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

last night i slept for nine hours. i feel better. sleep deprivation was a primary culprit in my case of crankiness.

i'm realizing that i was subconsciously, or perhaps consciously, assuming that my darlings from last year would suddenly know how to write coherent paragraphs and study for exams once they became juniors. i know. i laugh at myself as well.

it's pretty sad though. i'm going to provide scaffolding (did you like that ed term?) to help them become better writers during the first semester, and, supposedly, they will write paragraphs (which will become short essays) in the second semester. this is a task other regular history teachers have not bitten into because it does seem daunting. in fact, someone laughed at me when i talked about this crazy plan of mine.

my kids are obsessed with the southsiiide! in fact, during our discussion of southern succession one of my darlings said, "hey, the north won? are you serious man?" despite wanting to bang my head against the wall i said, "very serious." he said, "whaat? why did the north have to win? i'm southside all the way!" this child is black. i said, "honey, it really benefits everyone that the south didn't win. because we don't have slavery anymore." my entire class was looking at him like, "um...we covered this fourteen million years ago, where were you?" but then my darling shook his head vigorously and pumped his fist, saying "southsiide! i would rather be enslaved in the south than be part of the northsiiide." that got some kids going. my mouth fell open. but honestly, i don't think he was serious. they get pretty territorial and lose all rationale. it's like when the hurricane kids came to our city and some kids were talking smack, "they better not come up here representin!" can you believe that? i chewed some student ass for that one. ah, kids these days.

a cold front came in. it's like 50 degrees. burrr.

pissy.

2005-10-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

i've been hearing about redesigning high schools and "small school initiatives" for about a year now. apparently this has been going down in new york and it's a "phenomenal" success. success is relative, i say. the redesign plans i've heard about in my district are irritating. the WORST idea i've heard is to loop teachers with our kids. while i completely agree and, thanks to looping this year, can attest to how great it is to work with your kids two years in a row, the drawbacks are serious. for one, it sucks to start over every year. it takes a few years to really get good at teaching a course. in addition, i don't want a new prep every year. nor do i want to teach other subjects, namely geography, government, or economics. bleh. i really X 230498234 don't want to loop.

the craziest shit i've heard is supposedly happening in suburban californian schools. this involves small schools who, apparently, don't need counselors or administrators anymore. or drop-out interventionists or college support staff. i think the key here is that these are suburban schools and suburban our school is not. i know i've only been teaching for three years and i have a few more rounds to go, but i don't think i'm alone in questioning the absence of counselors and APs. i think i'll throw in the towel when that day comes. i'm already a teacher and psuedo therapist and social worker and i can not imagine holding five positions legitimately. no thank you. when my kids cuss me out i want them to go somewhere else. like out of my classroom and out of my hands. and we NEED our drop-out interventionists. on the real.

honestly i'm just sick of non-educators messing with me, my classroom, and my students. and i'd like to include some top dawgs in my district in that non-educator category because they've never actually taught. yeah, did you know that education is a thriving business?

i won't be surprised if these initiatives never happen. i'm used to listening to a lot of talk. in fact, i hope that's what this is. more hooting and hollering, like they do when we ask for a raise or for some professional respect. it seems to me that we need to redesign our expectations of student and parent accountability while we redesign our teaching styles and curriculum. aren't the three mutually exclusive?

global warming

2005-10-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't know, there is one season in Tejas. Summer. Granted, our season varies from hot to muggy hot, burning hot, sticky hot, to motherfucking HOT. I think a new variation has evolved in the last few years: Irritable hot. This is when it's October and still 95 degrees outside. Why has Fall foresaken us? Can I get a sweater in sometime before Christmas?

muse then ramble

2005-09-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

at a time when the new texas health books pose abstinence as the sole form of birth control and advise students to take a nap rather than engage in sexual endeavors, pregnancy is spreading like a virus around good ole Madhatter High. i've now counted eight girls from my first year who are pregnant. and that's merely from MY classes. not to say that a plethora of girls are pregnant, maybe it's just MY old kids. was it something i said?

my english teaching co-worker made fun of my small vocabulary the other day. she's right. my vocab used to be hella big, like really really big, and now it's small, like really really small. fo sho. i'm going to stop grading papers and start reading more.

i gave five detentions the other day. i feel torn about the detention issue, being that it's pretty juvenile for a junior but it's a half-step between a warning and a referral. at my school, you can't write too many referrals or you lose status. i only send referrals when a kid has threatened another kid or just won't stop doing something that's pissing me off. sometimes when you send a referral they send the kid back with a note that says, "Did you contact the parent?," which really helps maintain the power relationship between you and the student. anyway, the detention situation has brought to light a new annoying response. i have lots of vocal boys in my classes this year. i've had to talk to one kid about the sexually harassing remarks he directed at me because he was creeping my shit out. a few other boys in another class just love to retort to my warning of detention with "do you promise? we get to eat with you? okay," and so on. i thought i'd squashed that comeback until it popped up in another class. yet again, "okay, is it a date?" what the fuck? it's not like i'm the sexy teacher, bent over in front of the class or wearing a low-cut shirt. i mean, i can see the humor in the joke but it's still inappropriate. and it's spreading. i guess i'm going to have pull out my can of BITCH in order to put this under wraps. i'm really too nice, albeit a bit sarcastic, and my students have informed me time and time again that my niceness is both a good and bad thing. or, shall i say, it's beneficial yet detrimental?

p.s. teaching about the federalist and democratic-republican parties is boring. i mean, i can get into it because i'm a history geek but, honestly, i feel compassion for my students. i'm so glad we're moving on...toward the civil war and beyond...

mutiny

2005-09-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

seriously, my kids are freaking out. "man, you trippin ms!" "ms, why you workin us so hard?" let me make it clear that i'm not a slave driver. it's laughable, really. i simply give them something to read and expect them to show their comprehension through notes or hand-outs or journals. it's not rocket science.

"high school is getting harder and harder," my third period students argued today. my eyes grew round and my mouth dropped. are you fucking kidding me? yeah, note taking is really difficult. the fact that my regular kids feel like i'm "trippin" conveys the lack of rigor in "regular" classrooms. rigor, though, can be very difficult when your kids don't care if they pass (summer school rocks) and you're held accountable for your passing rate. i don't blame teachers entirely. the system is fucked.

so tomorrow i'm going to lecture so that my little cupcakes can get a break from reading. today two of my less-than-literate boys stopped twenty minutes into the period and shook their heads. "my brain hurts ms," one said. "i gotta stop." "tony, your brain is like a muscle. you have to work it. you know how it's really difficult to lift weights in the beginning but your muscles grow stronger? that's how your mind works. it's difficult for you to read for a long time because you never do. but by the end of the year, this will be a piece of cake." i know i basically insinuated that the brain is a muscle but i don't care. it was good comeback and i seemed to spark hope in his exhausted mind.

mosaic

2005-09-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in my dark apartment enjoying the silence and my solitude. there are no whining teenagers, no questions, no one sucking my attention, my stability, my advice until i retreat exhausted.

i know i love teaching because i'm overwhelmed but happy. granted, many people and situations have pissed me the fuck off in the last four weeks. like textbooks. four weeks into the school year. like meetings that waste my time. bureacracy. the usual.

i love that i feel a deep, heartfelt connection with my students, past and present. they file in and out of my room, coming for a safe place to sit and chat. i don't mean physically safe, but rather socially and emotionally. my room is OK. they're walking stories, and while i've always considered this, it's really hit home this year. perhaps i grew from my own personal stuff this past year. i don't know. perhaps i'm slowly accepting that i'm really gonna do this. despite the lack of professional respect or the insane amount of energy put into every single day of work, i'm looking toward the long haul. i think.

the other day i found out that one of my all-time favorite students dropped out of school. she became pregnant and her family is totally nonsupportive and wants her to come back to school as a form of shaming. there were other options. and now she works at taco bell. god. this kid had overcome some major hurdles and was college bound. a now she's in charge of 59 cent soft tacos with a baby in her belly.

on the whole though, my kids are cracking me up. they're a ragtag group and i'm pushing work on them. cornell notes, reviews, quizzes. they're getting cranky and a little scared. sometimes i pretend to cradle them in my hands. "it's okay fourth period," i coo,"i've got you. i'm gonna take care of you. i wouldn't give you work you can't handle." inevitably they ask me if i smoke pot. it's a very popular question.

as far as the curriculum goes...it's going. i think my students are still in shock about the new workload. these are "regular" kids that are not used to weekly quizzes and homework of which they are held accountable. the other day i assigned a chapter review for homework and i got about one or two assignments per class. this is typical but i refuse to back down. these kids have got to get a work ethic.

lastly, i would like to relay a comment one of my students said today. i think other women will appreciate this as much as i did. today i wore a very large school t-shirt with jeans. this shirt is way too big for me but, honestly, i have no clean clothes and i wanted to wear a spirit shirt because it's comfortable (a perk to teaching). so i oversized it today and went to school. about fifth period this kid turns to me and says, "wow ms. that's a nice shirt. (pause) it's kind of like a tent." awesome. "aaron, you really know how to make a person feel good," i replied. i'm going to shrink it in the dryer.

dark clouds

2005-09-01T19:52:00.000-07:00

this year smells of funk and discontented teachers. we don't have our textbooks yet. i'm supposed to get them next week, the fourth week of school. the district is struggling over teacher pay and the issue of school finance is going to the state supreme court. something is off. teachers are murmuring that things do not feel right.

i'm also feeling funky because of the situation in the gulf area. it's devastating. i've been donating but it's not enough. it's just not enough.

my kids have relatives that are stuck in attics, relatives their families can't locate. we talk about the hurricane carefully.

i'll give my update on the colony projects later. they went pretty well. i graded them and hung them in the hall. kids absolutely love to see their work up, even those who pretend they don't care crane their necks to get a peek.

overanalyze this!

2005-08-28T14:50:00.000-07:00

I tend to worry a lot (raucous laughter in background and a shout, "Understatement!"). My latest anxiety stems from my experiences with my old students during last week. Many of my old kids sought me out to tell me that they missed me and loved me. In fact, I ran into a group of girls who asked me why I didn't pick them to be in my classes this year. Apparently they were under the impression that teachers pick their students rather than the scheduling program launched from an office computer. I explained this to them and said some encouraging words about their new teachers. "Well," one girl said, "Everyone is bragging who got you. Joe keeps saying 'What what! I got MH!' and he's rubbing it in everybody's faces."

This makes me feel good. And then I start to worry: Do I care too much about what the kids think of me? Am I motivated by whether the kids like me or whether they learn? I don't want to be one of those teachers who the kids love but whom teaches nothing. It's like some people come to school to relive their high school years. I am not one of those people. Plus, what happens if the kids stop liking me as much, when I'm not "in touch" with the kids? Is my self-esteem wrapped up in what the kids think of me, or the job I think I am doing? Does anyone else reflect on stuff like this or am I consumed by my anxious thoughts?

As for the 13 colonies project, which began on Wednesday, it seems to be going pretty well. The two things I'm pleased with are the Cornell notes they took regarding the hand-out about the colonies, which forces them to actually synthesize the information, and the persuasive writing they must use for their advertisement. While walking around the classroom I heard kids coming up with funny and creative slogans and arguing over the best way to manipulate their information. It's really cool to see the kids interacting and focused on academic material.

As far as teaching a new subject: I forgot how much work it is to start all over. I'm absolutely exhausted. And we haven't gotten our textbooks yet, lest I forget to mention that.

argh.

2005-08-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

this year is off to a fuzzy start. i say fuzzy because i'm walking around in a haze of doubt and confusion. something doesn't feel right. our bell system is off. co-workers are pissy because their classes are overflowing. really, nothing is that bad (the bells will be fixed and classes most likely leveled) but these kinks complicate your day. i have a feeling that most of my frustration stems from my apprehension with teaching a new subject. still, this is not the way i like to start off the year. i have no flow. if i've said it once, i'll say it again: i need flow. ugh.

so i'm blogging because i made this lesson plan about the thirteen colonies and i don't know if i like it so i'm stalling. i could call someone but my conversations as of late have averaged about an hour and i don't have that time. i will make the time, which is the problem.

i drafted the basic thirteen colonies idea--the map or outline of the colony, descriptions of geography, climate, religion, government, culture, etc.-- but i gave it an advertising spin. the kids will have to come up with a slogan and try to convince someone to move to their colony. they will also have to draw a picture of some sort of cultural phenomenon, be it clothes or a house or a meal. i don't know. i can't figure out what to do about the shitty parts of the colonies, you know, like malaria, brutal winters, slavery-- the things that are hard to sell. really i need to finish reading the fine details about these colonies because, i'll admit it, i got through the first five and then stopped to jot down this idea. yeah, it's going into effect tomorrow. top teaching right here people.

oh, and i tried to introduce a higher level article today and was reminded once again of how low my kids function. they're bright kids and they need to be challenged but they don't have skills and they don't want the skills or the challenge. i basically have to manipulate them into accepting the challenge and hold their hands the whole way through. that's an issue to tackle another time though.

i'll let you know if this 13 colonies idea totally bombs.

the run down

2005-08-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

This year I moved up with my kids, meaning I'm teaching 11th grade instead of 10th. Thus, I have some of the same rugrats from last year. It's awesome.

My classes can be temporarily categorized using a color-coded advisory system, but instead of the rainbow connection I'm employing a traffic light theme. One class has earned the RED label because of the potential drama that may ensue in my classroom. I have four girls in there with major anger problems and who hate each other. One girl talked mess on the first day, "I see someone mean muggin me." Lord. I laughed and playfully said, "Girl you crazy. Nobody's even lookin at you," while praying she'd shut up before the other girl heard her. This particular jewel, we'll call her Sunshine, was testing me, and I mean testing, from the minute she arrived in the classroom. My strategy with these kids is to kill them with kindness while consistently enforcing the rules. I know what happens if I let shit slide thanks to my first year of teaching.

My next class is a green. All the way. It's a humongous class but the kids are really fun and bright and ready to be there. After lunch I have two yellows and a green. The yellow classes are full of kids who absolutely hate school and look like they consume or sell drugs regularly. I mean, lots of kids at my school take drugs but they don't look like they've been leanin for the past 48 hours, slumped over on the floor of their buddy's apartment. My yellow classes are full of long silences and pauses where I'm waiting for a response. Some kind of response. Anything. We'll get there.

I'm also sponsoring the Key Club this year. Apparently the club fell apart two years ago and the members and sponsors are working on putting it back together. I'm going to do the best I can. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I must continue reading. I have to develop lectures for next week because they won't give us textbooks. Apparently it's going to be another week or two. It's difficult to ask kids to read or participate in group work when they don't have a book. Instead, they will hear my lovely voice crooning to them across the room.

welcome back

2005-08-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

things i like about the first day of school:

seeing old students
meeting new ones
the hustle and bustle
dazed freshman (i have a wierd sense of humor)

things i dislike about the first day of school:

going over the syllabus and expectations.
small talk with kids. oh? three sisters? wow! are you the youngest?
confusion.
repeating myself. over and over again.
kids testing me.
the bell system is funky and the third period bell rings thirty minutes early. then we have to herd kids back in to class. have you ever tried to herd high school kids when they believe they are in the right? (na ah! the bell rang ms! you don't know what you're talking about! man this school is ghetto!)
feeling too tired to function like a real human being.

as you can tell, i'm not a huge fan of the first day. even when i have good ones like today.

border this!

2005-08-13T15:41:00.000-07:00

i like the fresh start of each school year. i like redecorating my room except:

i hate bulletins. i was standing in the middle of my room, stapler in one hand and bordering hanging from the other, when i admitted that i hate butcher paper and i hate borders. my fingertips hurt from pulling staples and my hands hurt from banging the stapler over and over. i hate staplers.

this year i invested in a few inspirational posters. like two. i've never been into them (i love the biographical posters) but i guess i got caught up in the whirl of teacher preparation. i also think my room might be so colorful as to border on obnoxious (hehehe. pun intended). but i use lamps in my classroom so i'm hoping the dim lighting will dampen the color. i'm hoping.

this year i'm also going to emphasize writing skills. my juniors will write an essay, something people in regular classes do not attempt anymore. i know i'm brave. i'm also naive and new to the subject. sixteen year olds should be able to string sentences together and put them in a particular format. seriously.

the only thing is that i'm terrible with punctuation and not the best at grammar. in the blogging world i just guess a lot. i used to be awesome at grammar but i've grown rusty. maybe i should pick up a mla format??

lastly, i received a great compliment today from my department chair and principal. which is always nice.

the big picture

2005-08-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

i've just endured four days of professional development. my mind is muddled and confused, for i have no rational thoughts left in my head, only emotions to wade through. i feel bombarded by theory, frustrated by repetitive preaching, excited by prospects of the new year, anxious about the bitterness that seeps from some teachers.

i'm going to share an analogy. this is off the top of my head, but it sums up how i feel about teaching and professional development and all the crap i've had to listen to this week.

there is a factory that is very important to the health of Town A. the factory churns out different types of shoes, giving jobs and shoes and socio-economic status to the villagers. over the years the shoes have decreased in quality and this upsets the villagers as a whole. so the town leader and his cronies fire lots of people and try to change aspects of the factory, from switching machines and changing the belts to longer work hours and no bathroom breaks. these strategies do not work and the BigWigs from Metropolis A swoop in to solve the problem. the BigWigs come up with theories of why the factory isn't producing quality shoes and more theories on how to change things. but they upset the workers of the factory. for the factory employees work in this disputed factory, and have done so for decades, and they not only feel ownership over the factory but are very competent as to the inner workings of the place. they begin to resent the BigWigs for telling them how to run the factory. they counter: why don't you give us better rubber for the soles? why haven't you updated the machines? you've overworked us and we can't produce quality because we're so tired! instead, the BigWigs hold meetings and pep talks and try to force their new ideas on the villagers. maybe it will work. maybe it won't. but the workers are now very bitter about the new factory feel--the new paint job, color coded worker teams, the fact that the shoes are delivered in new pretty boxes. the workers argue that these changes look good on paper but do not make a difference. the BigWigs point to statistics and their degrees at IvoryTower University.

anyway, that's my simple analogy. you can guess which role the teachers play. i'm writing about this because i'm so struck by the lack of empowerment among teachers. i think (and i hope) teachers hold more latent power, more potential power than we realize or utilize. i sat in district meetings and listened to people vent for hours and i thought to myself, "this is totally hopeless but these people are so desperate for a voice, for a moment of empowerment they'll bitch to anyone." i haven't been teaching long enough to feel that way. but i do feel the stress and frustration with the unending expectations on teachers, principals, school districts and the high stakes that follow behind. i think the problems of our educational system are bigger than No Child Left Behind, but i don't see NCLB as a benefit either. a woman at one of our sessions remarked, "yeah, no child left behind and no teacher left standing." is this the future i have to look forward to?

on tha real

2005-08-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

i take it all back. apparently i was smoking crack last week. i have a lot to do. like a lot. i'm not going to make a list right now because i'll get overwhelmed. the good part is that i'm very excited about teaching u.s. history. the reading and curriculum planning has begun. that's right. it's on.

any advice is welcome.

preparation and procrastination

2005-08-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

i have extra time this year to go up to school and prepare my classroom. but i don't really know what to prepare. i need to order some posters from art.com and cover my bulletin boards in butcher paper, but otherwise my preparation does not necessitate my presence in the classroom. i hear teachers complain about how they only get a day of preparation in their room but i don't understand why they need more than eight hours in their classroom. i'm genuinely perplexed about this. i can understand my elementary or even middle school friends who need a ton more time. but i feel like i'm missing something. how much copying do they need to do before the first day? on the first day i hand out my syllabus, expectations, and a learning styles quiz, if we get to it. we play some getting to know you games and then we begin. i'm so puzzled about this preparation thing. the sad part is that i go up to school and end up sitting around in my room because i feel like i'm supposed to be there, even though everything is set up. god i'm a geek.

the real preparation involves me reading the textbook. have i done that? sorry friends. even the public shaming couldn't get my lazy ass off the couch. i'm going to the beach on friday and i sure as hell aint reading down there. in fact, i'm blogging because i don't want to read. amazing, huh?

maybe i'll go back to crapmart and get more fabric to cover my boards. i found this really bright fabric with little circles all over it to go under the posted classroom expectations, the school dress code, etc. i think it actually might be a little too crazy. i joked with a friend that i'll be able to tell if the kids are on acid because they'll go crazy when they look at it.

well, i'd read but now i have to go watch hustle and flow. i want to see what all the hype is about.

*editor's note: upon reading other blogs, madhatter realized that curriculum planning takes way more time than she remembered. it seems madhatter was lost in her vacation cloud and unwilling to come back to earth. in fact, she will remain in the sky until at least sunday.

Announcement!

2005-07-29T09:47:00.000-07:00

This is the public shaming of Madhatter in an attempt to force her to read for her new US History class. She began reading a week ago, got about twelve pages into the discovery of the New World, and promptly put the book down. It's not that she isn't wholly fascinated by history, rather, Madhatter seems to like the idea of being a student rather than the process. She needs to get her act together and start reading so that she doesn't cram three chapters in a night come the start of school.

Shame on you. Now get thee to a coffeehouse or library.

mh and her terrible, horrible, very bad day

2005-07-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

UGH!

Today I endured an emg, or an exam that tested the nerves in my legs. I've had a foot problem since February and the recent hypothesis was nerve damage, causing pain, burning, and weakening in my leg and foot. So off MH went to the neurologist.

Let me preface this by saying that I don't come across as a wimpy, whiney person. But really, I'm a wimp. I hate physical pain and I'm a hypochondriac. Mostly I dramatize my physical ailments to irritate my friends and family or to elicit a laugh. However, I must admit I've been to the clinic a time or two convinced I had mono (I accidently drank from my friend's cup when he was getting over it; I felt constantly exhausted), a disgusting scare with scabies (my dirty, nasty roommate gave me a shirt and later told me her friend had scabies when she wore it. This prompted a freak-out and run to the clinic. You simply can't talk to a hypochrondriac about small bugs that nest in the crevices of the body), and for the countless ear infections that never were. I would like to add that I never make my friends or family go with me to the doctor...partly because I don't tell them I'm going because they'll make fun of me or try to convince me not to go. It's best to share the event after the fact. So, after confessing all of this, I have to admit that I'm a freak when it comes to ailments and I abhor and fear physical pain.

Today I felt pain like I've never known. My threshold for pain is about a negative 23409 and I endured a test that applies electricity directly to your nerves. Repeatedly. Feel sorry for me people. It was awful.

The only hilarious part was the nurse. She was this older lady with kind eyes who very gently helped me on to the bench. I began my spiel in a very soft voice, "I just want to let you know that I don't handle pain very well and uh, I noticed that machine is rather um..uh..." But she wasn't having it. "Look," she said, her eyes narrowing, "I'm a 67 yr. old grandmother and I don't have time for this. We're not doing any of this 'poor me, I don't like pain' stuff (in a mimicking voice). You don't have to be here. If you can't take this test you can walk out. But when you're in here I want your cooperation and I want you to be brave." "Oh shit," I thought. "I've got the drill sergeant here to get me through this." But really, I understood the Sergeant. She had business on her mind.

And so it went. Electric shocks, me grimacing for some and squealing for others. After 45 minutes of shocking the shit out of me the doctor came in. Little did I know, the second round was to begin. This involved sticking needles in my muscles to make sure the muscles were healthy. Apparently muscles have pulses, which makes sense if you remember the heart is a muscle. Anyway, the doctor was really excited about my pulsing activity on this antique looking contraption. "Look! This is really beautiful. What healthy muscles you have! I can't believe you aren't looking!" she exclaimed. I'm sorry. I have a huge needle digging into my muscle and literally stimulating the muscle to move. It's gross and it hurts. I don't give a shit about the pulsing, although I admit it's endearing that you are so interested. Now, get this damn needle out of my leg. This nice girl is about to get nasty.

So I don't have nerve damage. Went through the pain for nothing. Some people apparently don't have a problem with this test. I am obviously not one of those people and thus I'd like to commend myself for my trooper attitude. The Sergeant was proud, as was my doctor. I think I get an A plus for a pretty miserable experience.

school's out for the summer

2005-07-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

summer school is OVA.

i will now enjoy my two week vacation.

memed

2005-07-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

mary tagged me for a meme (i don't know what it means either) and the hilarious part about this particular meme is the subject: cooking. (stop laughing, friends). this one goes out to everyone i've ever tried to cook for, who've cooked for me (you know who you are), and especially for those who hate to cook. like me.

what is your first memory of cooking/baking on your own?

my childhood friend and i used to mix everything we could find in the kitchen and bake it. then we'd try to convince her dad to taste it. also, we baked a cake for the first time and added a cup of baking soda and the cake exploded in the oven. there was cake everywhere and it took forever to clean up. i think this is a good analogy to my current baking and cooking skills.

who had the most influence on your cooking?

hmmm. are we talking edible food or non-edible? we'll go with edible. i'd say my last roommate. she cooked a lot and taught me lots about cooking. she made this incredible mexican rice, like, the real way. i could eat pounds of that. and i learned how to cook it. one time i cooked chicken and she was very supportive, despite how long it took to chew individual bites. other than that, my friend Wendy, who's now open late, has helped me out a lot.

do you have an old photo as evidence of an early exposure to the cooking world?

one time my childhood friend and i made a vegetable figure of her mom. her mom was a hippie and she didn't shave her armpits so we added parsley between the carrot arms and eggplant body. we took a picture too.

Mageiricophobia - Do you suffer from any cooking phobia, or a dish that makes your palms sweat?

am I scared to cook it or eat it? probably raw fish or meat. ugh.

What would be your most valued or used kitchen gadgets and/or what was the biggest letdown?

my microwave. biggest letdown: the spinner in my microwave hasn't been spinning correctly. ever since i burned a kudos wrapper in the microwave i'm secretly afraid things will catch on fire. so the crazy noise from the spinner makes me jump. and then i feel stupid.

Name some funny or weird food combinations/dishes you really like - and probably no one else!
carrots and peanut butter?

What are the three eatables or dishes you simply don't want to live without?

1. cereal, although i can't express a namebrand because it changes. but nothing too sugary like fruity pebbles or too bland like those nasty oat and fiber cereals.
2. sandwich from local sandwich shop.
3. dessert.
or, if i could figure out how to cook it, mexican rice.

Who are some chefs you would be most interested in spending a day with?

um, oprah's chef rosie? that's the only one i know. my mom bought me In the Kitchen With Rosie but it was too advanced for me. i need some easy low fat recipes if anyone wants to contribute.

Your favorite ice cream:
anything chocolate.

You will probably never eat:

lots of stuff. anything too spicy or with too much flavor. raw fish. undercooked meat. brussel sprouts. artichoke barfs. cauliflower. ew-- anything with the spices curry and/or cumin. i don't eat red meat. peas. cashews. ew.

Your own signature dish...
was fruit salad...is now green bean caserole.

i now tag a vamos and when pigs sing, and megan. if you feel like a meme, that is.

uh uh.

2005-07-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

When you work with kids and get along with them, you hear lots of shit. Some shit they tell you, some stuff they've mumbled unsuccessfully and others are side comments uttered when they think you aren't listening. With that said, teaching 11 sophomore boys for four hours a day has opened a window into the teenageboymind that I would have rather left closed. They aren't kidding when they say boys are sexually minded. More like obsessed. Not that we sit around and discuss the matter, but I'm constantly redirecting or halting the conversation and/or joke all together. The sad thing is, I see the humor in some of the jokes, specifically Your Mamma jokes, even though I have to stop them because they are inappropriate and can be outright misogynist. Speaking of, it's extremely eerie to see a tall, gangly, pimply boy with shuffled blonde hair and glasses ferociously singing, Lil Webbie's "Girl gimme that." Giving anyone a sense of power and entitlement over a girl's sexuality is fucking scary and absurd.

Today one of my kids said he's going to fail next year so he can have me again for summer school. I guess that's some sort of pathetic compliment, even though I think he wants to have me as a teacher because my class was crazy. Crazy as in "only during the summer fools" cuz Madhatter don't play during the year. Well, she tries not to. It's hard sometimes.

blah.

2005-07-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

well, i had a lot to blog about. but then i became an insomniac and now i can't think at all. i suppose i'll continue soon. at least i can still string sentences together.

payback is a motherfucker

2005-07-11T21:48:00.000-07:00

Do you know how funny it is to observe a bunch of teenage boys, hooded out in baggy clothes and caps, watching an old production of A Tale of Two Cities? YEAH! Take that! That's what happens when you won't. shut. the. fuck. up. You get to watch old white men with whigs on! Whose your daddy now, bitches?!

Luckily, I'm going to a conference tomorrow. I will attempt to regain my sanity.

summer fun

2005-07-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

So things came to a head today. We had been doing better, my little hellions and I. Until Curly threw a pencil across the room at Larry and hit him in the head. This pissed me off. See, Curly doesn't mean to be destructive, impossible, and annoying. He simply doesn't think before he acts or speaks. He's got a good heart, despite the self-absorbed and immature lining. At this point, I sent him out of the room. "OUT!"I shouted. "I will meet you in the hall!" Curly is pretty good at looking contrite and he walked out with his tail between his legs.

At this juncture the Assistant Principal happened to be walking by. As I opened the door to speak with Curly ,I saw the AP before me, a beacon of All That Is Good In the World. I explained to him why Curly was in the hall and happened to list off the several other things Curly had done, such as throwing a pair of kid scissors and tape, destroying classroom supplies, and rolling around on a chair that he stole during the break (he swears the hall monitor let him have it and, sadly, he could be right). Nothing terrible, except for the scissors, but irritating nonetheless. "He's a good kid, he's just making bad decisions. He's not using his head," I said. (Using his head...I've officially become a teacher. Those are Teacher Words). So Curly got Strike One in the old Summer School principal's book. Apparently Curly gets three strikes, which I think is a little lenient for summer school. But whatev. I'm the one letting him get away with stupid shit all day.

I turned to follow Curly back into the classroom to see Mo and Shemp (the fourth stooge, respectively) pretending to box. I wasn't in the mood and so I turned back around called for the AP. Mo and Shemp were sent out.

So the AP comes back a few minutes later and informs me that both Mo and Shemp are SpEd kids who can use tutoring with the resident SpEd teacher in the library. In fact, I'm running a virtual self-contained classroom because most of my young boys are SpEd. This left me with mixed feelings.

For one, I don't want the SpEd tutor to be considered punishment. But my resounding feeling is disappointment in myself. I've always prided myself on working well with SpEd kids. I feel bad that I've let them get "the best of me." Maybe I don't work that well with them. Maybe I'm too nice. Maybe kids just run over me. Maybe I'm a bad teacher.

I try to remind myself that it's summer and I know I've been more lenient. I'm also going through a rough time personally and I don't have the energy that I might have otherwise. And the curriculum. The curriculum is terrible, in my opinion. It's this mapping curriculum that is good for the first four hours, but 15 days, four hours a day of mapping is really boring. And the mapping is so easy that the kids finish at lightening speed. So I have to substitute lots of projects and such, which I don't mind doing. But there's no flow. I like flow.

On another note, I received my check for Summer I yesterday. It helped the chaos go down.

too many hormones, not enough teachers

2005-07-07T13:53:00.000-07:00

today i jokingly told my kids they're making me want to have a hysterectomy. then we had to discuss the uterus. then a kid said that the uterus is gross because women have cycles. i told him he wouldn't be here if it weren't for his mom's cycle. then he said, "my mom had a cycle but i was a sperm that took the place of the egg." LOL. "no honey," i said, stifling a grin, "you are the combination of the sperm and the egg."

i will now marvel at how my severely hyperactive students read an entire page in under three seconds. they were assigned an illustrated timeline that required--gasp!--reading. the scene sounded a little like this:

"Ms, who is Martin Luther?"
(Teacher frowns because Martin Luther is on the first page of the section, in bold, with a BIGASS picture right next to his name)
"It's on page 498."
"I don't see it."
"You haven't looked."
"Yes I did."
Silence.
"Ms?"
"I'm ignoring you."
"Why?"
"Idiot (substitution for real name for blog purposes only), I'm always here to guide you when you need direction. But you haven't even started the course, meaning: You aren't reading and I'm not doing your work for you."
"But I did."
Silence.
"Okay. Fine. I'll read."

i think you have to be a teacher to appreciate these moments. or a little wacked out. luckily, i am both.

details

2005-07-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

i told my students: "you need to check yoself before you wreck yoself." they did...for the most part. i also admitted that i take part of the blame for their craziness because i did not enforce the rules effectively last week. i like to admit fault when appropriate to show them that i'm not into powertrips or ego and to model how to accept responsibility like mature adults. that's my theory anyway.

moving on...kids say the darndest things. here's a sample of a few questions/comments i heard today:

"Ms, what's the difference between being high and drunk? How do they feel different?"
"Ms, do you want to know how many things I blew up this weekend?"
"Ms, did you if you blow chunks against the wind your vomit will hit you in the face?"
"Can I give myself a mohawk with these scissors?"
"I need a sword."
"Can you give us some time today to just play? Like the leave room and let us hang out?

most of these questions did not merit responses, if at least from me. some of them are perplexing, like the suggestion that i leave the room to let them hang out?? oh, and at the end of the day this kid goes, "ms, thanks for letting us have fun today" but i have no idea what he's talking about. it wasn't a fun day. i worked them to the grind. that particular kid admitted that he's so bored at home he likes summer school. if i wasn't getting paid mad cash for this gig, i'd be pulling my hair out strand by strand. it gets pretty tedious.

regulate

2005-07-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

it's partly, mostly, possibly all my fault. i can usually run my classroom with relative ease. i use humor and consistent expectations to manage discipline problems, albeit i'm not perfect at this and definitely have some years to reach my goal for behavior management (don't ask me to define the goal..it's just there). i admit that classroom management does not come easily to me. i'm a huge push-over and only this year did i realize that kids will not actually die if they don't get a drink of water or use the restroom, get their cellphone taken up, etc. this last school year i had much better management, so i know it's possible. in fact, in summer one i successfully implemented the "restroom use only during the break." but these crazy boys are another story. my defenses are weakening, stripped minute by minute until my stone fortification is merely a heap of rocks.

i say it's my fault because i've been putting up with lots of shit. i feel like that mom on desperate housewives who lets the kids roam around because she can't cope. i can't cope. i've seen more paperwads and paper airplanes, heard more stupid jokes and farting noises than i can bear. i can't turn my back for one minute. literally. i was drawing this huge map of africa for our project and i looked up to find one boy taping another boy to the chair (i actually wanted to laugh and then i remembered i'm the teacher and this was going on in my classroom). if i turn to write something on the board an airplane sails across the room. and i just don't have the energy to deal with it. it's fucking hot, it's summer, and my room smells like ass because they're tarring the roof next to my window. those are my excuses.

but things are gonna change in madhatter's room. oh yes. i'm tired of babysitting ten year olds and i'm taking the stance as exhibited in mary's comment, which was quite hilarious. i talked with the assistant principal and i'm calling parents. i feel as though i should warn them about the impending regulation because i think i've dropped the ball too. i'm slowly concocting my speech. i'd love for it to begin:

welcome to hell, bitches.

nine little monkeys jumping on the bed

2005-06-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

My class has dwindled down to ten students-- nine boys and one girl. Or, I should say, nine hyperactive hormonal bulldozing paper throwing shouting laughing sweating smelly boys. I don't mean to complain, but I think the summer school thing is catching up with me. They warned me about this. "First session is a breeze. Second session is a bitch," they said. They were right.

I'm guessing the trick to mellowing these wild monkeys is to push tons of work on them. When they are working (at record speed because everythingtheydoisreallyreallyfast) they are quiet. A tranquil calm settles over the room. Until one by one, like rupturing pimples, they spring back to life.

Not to mention that four of them are competing for this poor girl's attention. It's the second day and she's really annoyed. I heard one of them say, "Brianne, that's your name? Is that your real name? It rhymes with Liane. Lianne Lianne Lianne" while another punched one of his friends in his moment to shine. Cringe. "I'm sorry," I said to her. She smiled meekly in return.

we've got a live one.

2005-06-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

summer II started today. i've got a notorious kid from another school. i mentioned his name to another teacher and she replied, "whoa. i know that kid. i had him for two days and he threw trash at me. he's been pulled from classes kicking and screaming...he gets passed around a lot."

he's definitely testing me. he tried to sleep, relace his shoe, play with his phone, pick his nails... ANYTHING but the activity we were doing. of course, he is very deliberate in his actions and he's the only person off-task. he's really rude too. i tried to kill him with kindness but when he was relacing his shoe again i walked over very quietly and said, "look, this isn't going to work. now, i like you already (lies, all lies) and i think we can really get along. but i need you to focus on the assignment given to you. because this is summer school and it aint gonna fly. meaning, i'm not putting up with it and you'll be kicked out." after that, he started doing his work. it was a miracle.

however, during the course of the four hour day he called someone a wetback (a derogative term), told me to be quiet, and informed me as he was leaving that he'll "probably sleep tomorrow too."

psha. you'll be sleeping in your bed because i'm kicking your ass out. i have to put up with this shit during the year but it's summer school and you've been given numerous chances to get yourself together.

i was telling this to someone and he was like, "that's why i don't teach. i would hit children."

i think i'll become a hermit.

2005-06-28T14:29:00.000-07:00

teacher gossip scares me. it hits harder than a speeding car and a telephone pole.

more losers, less funding

2005-06-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

Governor Calls Special Session, Vetoes School Funding
Governor Perry called a Special Legislative Session beginning Tuesday, June 21 to deal with school finance. He also took the dramatic and drastic step of vetoing all of Article III of the budget. All the funds for public education are in Article III and by vetoing it he has created a scenario where schools may not be able to open in August.

Information on House Bill 2, which goes to the floor on Tuesday:
The Comptroller's letter of June 21 indicated the Legislature has only $1.9 billion available to spend on schools without tapping additional revenue sources. That would mean less new money than needed to pay for inflation and the spending required for the new mandates in HB 2.
HB 2 contains a so called “average” $1,000 teacher pay raise that is not an across the board pay raise. It provides a sum of money to the districts equal to $1,000 per teacher and lets districts allocate the money any way they want.
HB 2 provides teachers only a $500 “pay raise” that is really the restoration of the teacher health insurance stipend that was taken away in 2003.
Coupled with funding lost with the SB 1 veto, HB 2 eliminates the health insurance stipend for educational support staff (except for charter school staff).
HB 2 rewards only a few teachers based on merit pay tied to standardized test scores. The bill provides no new funds for this; just requires school districts to pay for it.
The “new” education money provided by HB 2 would provide our schools less state education money in 2006 than they received in 2003, when adjusted for enrollment growth and inflation.
HB 2 caps local property tax increases and requires a vote for any local tax increase at all.
HB 2 weakens due process provisions that protect professional educators from being fired without just cause.
HB 2 would allow districts or campuses rated exemplary to effectively become “home rule” districts exempt from almost all state standards that helped them achieve that status; including class size limits, contracts, minimum salaries, and teacher certification requirements, removing all accountability measures.
HB 2 would allow public schools that are rated "academically unacceptable” to be taken over by private, for-profit companies without any measure of local accountability.
Under HB 2, “instant administrator” certification could be granted to those who run public school campuses, including for-profit “management team” leaders who have no previous experience in a public school.

this is taken from the tsta website. www.tsta.org if you live in the lone star state, i urge/plead/beg you to call your representatives. tonight or tomorrow (you can usually leave a message at night).

from the new york times

2005-06-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

Reading, Writing, and Retailing

By DAVE EGGERS, NINIVE CALEGARI and DANIEL MOULTHROP
Published: June 27, 2005

THIS is a bizarre and unsettling time in the lives of students, parents and teachers. It is a time when school lets out, and hundreds of thousands of teachers start their second jobs to keep their rents and mortgages paid. One day they're shaping minds, a moral force in the lives of the young people they teach and know, and in some ways the architects of the future of the nation. The next day they're serving cocktails and selling plasma TV's at the mall.

In your community, you might spot your son's Advanced Placement biology teacher working in the summer as a travel agent. Or perhaps your daughter's English teacher is painting the house down the street. Not counting those who teach summer school, about 20 percent of the country's teachers have second jobs (often during the school year, too), and the majority of those jobs could not be construed as enhancing universal respect for those who teach.

I want to read more.

here's a good excerpt for those who don't want to read the whole thing:

Meanwhile, President Bush's education law known as No Child Left Behind insists that by 2006 all teachers be "highly qualified." A laudable goal, clearly beyond debate. But while school districts must find increasingly qualified teachers, the legislation does not provide enough money to substantially increase teachers' earning potential.

Imagine that scenario in the private sector. A chief executive decides he wants better performance from his company. He issues a mandate that all employees be highly qualified. Then he proposes, as No Child Left Behind does, that the staff members be more tightly controlled, that they conform closely to his top-down directives and that they be tested yearly to keep their jobs. And he wants all of this without raising salaries a penny. Who would want to work for such an outfit?

my oh my...

2005-06-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

where has summer gone? it's almost july. here's a little tip from your pal MH: if you want your summer to fly by, teach summer school. you'll be surprised summer school can hit so hard.

on a more perplexing and disturbing note: we had time to kill after the final so i popped in the last emperor after a small preface. we'd been watching for a while and i stopped the tape to see what my kids thought and to make sure they weren't confused. the first question:

ms, why do all asian people look the same?

help me, help me!

2005-06-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

i read too much crap on the web. i need a good book. i have trouble finding fiction books that sustain my interest. i read lots of non-fiction but when it comes to fiction i'm a notorious half-book reader. any suggestions?

p.s. did anyone else find the red tent boring? i seem to be the only person on earth who didn't like that book.

p.p.s i think i'm finally going to try to read the house of spirits, by isabel allende.

say what

2005-06-21T14:02:00.000-07:00

One of my students told me I remind him of Ms. Frizzle. My foot is getting better and this means the charades have recommenced. The twirling and flailing accompanies my lectures. But only when other adults aren't present. That would be highly embarrassing.

Wait. I still can't believe he said I remind him of Ms. Frizzle. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Today I taped paper towels around my upper arms. My short sleeved shirt was not providing protection from the indoor blizzard (aka the air conditioning) and I decided to tape something to my arms to increase warmth. The towels ripped off. My students really think I'm wacked out now. I'm blaming it on the summer heat (which causes me to go insane in general).

I also gave one of my students an alternate name for when she's being impossible, which is frequent. For example, if her name is Rose, I call her Rosalind when she's acting crazy. She's a very, very difficult student and I'm very, very glad she won't be taking second semester. Yesterday, this monstrosity slipped from her lips, "Ms, I'm gonna take you next year for your elective." I can't fake it for a whole semester. God. I sound really bitchy. But you have to meet her. She's the definition of oppositional defiant.

She's too hot to handle and too cold to hold.

diction.

2005-06-20T15:00:00.000-07:00

rural
urban
meadow
orchard
mill
heretic
conquest
pillage

these are vocabulary words my students learned today. they are 15 and 16. these kids are not passing history because they have absolutely no vocabulary or history skills. they can't read charts and they can't define meadow. next year, i think my students might write vocab sentences. it sounds elementary but their vocab is so low i feel this is the only way to ensure they learn related vocabulary. they can't understand the content until they know the words that construct it. nor are they passing the standardized tests that are saturated in difficult vocabulary.

ruminating

2005-06-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lots and blogging little. I've been thinking about my kids. Sometimes I get in a rut because I become overwhelmed by social injustices. I think it's something that most sensitive teachers experience. You have to work out a way to deal with the shit you watch your kids go through. To make sense of it, or simply to cope.

Too much information.

2005-06-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

So, the doctor gave me lots of herbal vitamins to take. This morning I began gulping down the miracle pills, welcoming the homeopathic remedies into my body with zeal. I'm pretty desperate. But, by the fifth freaking horse pill I was growing weary. "Take three of these pills and one of those," I said to myself. And it was too late. I'd swallowed three of the digestive green pills when I was supposed to take one. Ugh.

I warned my class this morning, as I've gotten in the habit of telling them the ins and outs of my physical trauma. "I might have to make a run for it," I said. They wrinkled their noses and laughed. "But Ms, you can't even run. You might not make it to the restroom," one kid teased. I faked shock. "Oh no. This could get messy."

Luckily I've only rumbled today. I'm like an old truck, just rumbling away.

not related

2005-06-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

The doctor told me I'm allergic to dairy. He's pretty sure. It makes sense, given that I can't drink milk and get nauseous if I eat too much cheese, ice cream, etc. So I'm going out for Mexican food before I try not to eat cheese for a month. The plan is, "Don't eat dairy for a month then eat a bunch of it and see how you feel." Can't wait for that party.

for real.

2005-06-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

Dear ChicaBonita,

I regret to inform you that you must complete the make-up work for Friday. I understand that you missed a day of summer school because you had a beauty pageant and, truly, I'm feelin for ya. You seem to be astounded that you are obligated to complete "all that work" and your petty threat about not completing the assignment does nothing to ruffle my feathers. In actuality, what irritates me is your audacious complaining.

Let me set a few things straight for ya:
1. You failed the first time. Summer school is a favor for kids who skipped the first year. You don't get special privileges.
2. I'm your only hope for passing.
3. I don't like kids who think they can get out of stuff if they give attitude. I also don't like to be threatened.
4. I don't care if you like me. I really and truly don't.

Thus, you can take your make-up work and complete it or burn it. I consider you an enabled child who needs to be checked, but I'm not the one to do it. This should come from your mother, who apparently encouraged you to miss school for your pageant. Glad to see the priorities are in place. Good luck.

it passed

2005-06-11T10:26:00.001-07:00

I found this blog entry from November of my first year. This was one of my many freak-outs, which should have been subtitled "Why do I love this job so much?" I remember I felt pressure because everyone I knew seemed to be in graduate school and leading quite different lives.

"500 bucks for the moldy coffee. That's my final offer."

today i suffered through an attack of the mid-twenties and proceeded to surf the web to see what i should actually be doing with my life. here i am working nine to five (i wish) and out there are people with beautiful blogs and lives that are rich with culture and intellectualism and events. they actually read and write and publish stuff. what am i doing with my time? or, i could join a non-profit, some sort of social, environmental, or cultural justice program. but i honestly feel like i run my own little non-profit straight from my classroom. my kids talk to me when they're scared and pregnant, when they want to drop out, when they don't know where else to go. and i appreciate the non-hallmark moments when they're bugging me to eat something gross for a dollar, asking me about college, imitating dave chappell, or assuring me i'm going to love the ying yang twins. so really, i have to sit back and remind myself that i'm merely enduring a case of the twenties and this too shall pass.

right?!!

honesty

2005-06-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

I fear my blog will become boring. This isn't as bad a thing for me as it is for you. My blog might get a little snoozy (or more you say?!) and a little more technical because I'm on a natural high up in Teacherland. Summer school is very easy. I mean, it drags on a bit, but there are some very positive aspects to it. I've numbered them for you.
1). The class size. I have 15 students. This is 1/2 my average-sized class. I can give much more individual attention and I don't get overwhelmed.
2). The more attention I give, the more the kids thrive. I'm very upfront and ask them how they got to summer school. I assure them no judgment and they receive none. I explained my inquiry by stating "whatever you're doing isn't working and we need to find a new game plan." Most of my kids are avid skippers. One is a complete slacker (Slacker2005), while about four of my kids are really low level. And 13 out of 15 have terrible social studies skills. Essential ones at that--like map reading and chart/graph comprehension. The curriculum is bland and we add flavor by talking about trains, rappers, and their life choices.
3). Much to my pleasure, my kids keep announcing that they like the projects more (which I added to the curriculum) and that they've learned more in my summer school class than in their regular classes. If they're sucking up, they're pretty fucking good at it. But I honestly don't think they are. One kid laughingly admitted he got referrals all year because he hated his teacher. He's an angel in my class, whether due to teacher preference or the rigidity of summer school discipline. Either one is fine with me.

I personally like a good read about disaster, hilarity, or some good advice. I have none of these to offer. I could drone on about little technicalities of my classroom, and I probably will. Or perhaps I'll write my thoughts about race, class, and/or gender in the classroom. But wait...right now I'm mentally sipping a margarita on a Caribbean Island and basking in the ease and productiveness that is Summer School.

summer fun.

2005-06-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

Tantrum over. The kid didn't show. But there's always tomorrow...

My class is chock-full of kids with low social studies skills. Many of them did not know there are seven continents and half thought Europe is a country. We discussed latitude and longitude, map legends, continents, peninsulas...basic atlas skills. Next we moved on to our mapping activity that involved me saying things like, "Japan. Where is Japan? Japan is east of China. Remember, never eat sour watermelon." It's a blast, really.

My goal when working with struggling kids is to encourage them to use their imagination and learn to think for themselves. I also want to instill confidence so that they feel comfortable answering a question or taking a giant leap forward and reading the text. I have lots of timid kids in my class who seem to have fallen through the cracks. It is, however, only the first day. I have yet to see their true colors.

One kid actually laughs at my sarcasm, which is thrown out in a series of mile-a-minute tangents. (The name madhatter is not a coincidence ). This kid is way above the rest of the kids and found himself in summer school thanks to pure laziness. At one point, when the class was searching for the equator and this kid looked ready to blow his head off from boredom, I started to laugh. I couldn't help it, I have a really evil sense of humor. "This is what you get for skipping," I said. "I didn't skip!" he protested. Then he grinned. "I just didn't do anything." From the back of the room a girl yelped, "The equator is on zero Ms! What do I write?" Slacker2005's eyes popped out and his head dropped to the desk. Silently, I laughed.

Why Are you Punishing Me?

2005-06-06T14:05:00.000-07:00

This morning I created my classroom expectations and procedures, prepared lesson plans, set out atlases and maps, copied "Who Are You?" forms, and set up my gradebook. It was after setting up my gradebook that I realized I've got an infamous student in my summer school class. My heart sank. There are a few students who drive me crazy and this kid is one of them. Keep in mind that I'm a pretty freaking compassionate person and I play well with others. This kid failed my class the first year I taught and proceeded to fail my colleague's class this past year. And now he's in summer school. Because he does absolutely nothing. NOTHING. In fact, I taught him during Credit Recovery (Saturday School) and he refused to complete work then. This kid is a product of Generation Enablement and I truly can't believe he's gotten this far. The boy reads on a sixth grade level, but he's not the only kid I have with inadequate skills. The problem is that he's a neat concoction of 1/4 laziness, 1/4 inability, and 1/2 immaturity. In addition, I think the kid likes me but he's too socially inept and immature to know how to interact with an adult. So he makes lots of rude, inappropriate comments to me, both inside and outside the classroom. And the thing is, my first year I put up with it because I didn't know how to deal with it. But this is my whopping third year I (insert self-depricating laugh) AND summer school, so he needs to watch out. Because I'm not putting up with shit.

enlightenment

2005-06-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

yesterday at my professional development for summer school i realized that most of the teachers were new teachers. the "veteran" has been teaching 8 years. what does this reveal about teaching summer school? any guesses?

the good, the bad, and the ugly

2005-06-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

i just had a thought:

if i teach american history next year that means i'll get the same kids from this year.

changes

2005-06-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

YEAH.

I just found out that I'm teaching American History next year. I'm super excited for three reasons:

1). American history gets into the nitty gritty. It's more comprehensive than World History because World History has too much content squeezed into a small time bracket.

2). I love social history. I love how economics and politics affect society. I want students to view their country's history objectively and analyze right and wrong, idealism vs. realism, etc.

3). I like essays, political cartoons, and poetry. Which are easier to incorporate into American History.

"You're going to be under the watchful eye now, MH," a colleague told me. "They really watch juniors because of TAKS." I was initially petrified of teaching American History for this reason. But then I realized, hey, I can do this. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be stupendous but I've only been teaching for two years. And I've gotten great reviews from my department chair and my principal. It seems to me that the third person who needs to believe in me is...myself.

::The violin sings in the background. Oprah cries::

Tomorrow I begin the two days of staff development for summer school. What can we possibly talk about for two days? It's summer school.

if you can't fight em, join em

2005-05-31T06:15:00.000-07:00

Ruby Payne writes about people from generational poverty placing great emphasis on relationships and interaction. While I'm a little scared to read sweeping advice about a group of people ("the poor", "blacks", "hispanics", "country folk"), I think she makes a good point. Lots of my kids respect the teacher and their relationship with that teacher more than the abstract rules of the classroom. Many of my kids are verbal learners (aka they don't read) and thus our discussions might get lively.

This year I taught one young darling who exemplified what I see as high maintenance interaction in the classroom. Derek responded to everything I said with either an "Amen", "You know it", or "Cuz we pimps like that." And, if I attempted to stifle his expressions, all hell broke loose. This kid had an amazing ability to get your words mixed up and would get very defensive about it. I might say, "Napoleon was a short man," and Derek could respond, "How short? Like short short? Short short short? I mean, was the nigga like 3 feet?" "No," I'd say, "About five." "Well, I'm five feet and I ain't short. I thought you said he was short! Man, you lyin. You lyin to me." I kid you not. Derek is a very sweet kid but he's so low that he gets removed from classes for behavior problems because he can't. shut. the. fuck. up. I know what you are thinking and let me assure that I, and the Special Education staff, tried many interventions.

So, whether or not I deserve the teaching award of the year, this is what I did: I put Derek right in front with me. The very front. While discussing and/or lecturing I incorporated Derek's side comments. If he really started going on about something I'd stop, let him say his piece, join in if I have to, and move on. When Derek would get too defensive or out of control, I might place my hand on the desk and ask him very quietly to calm down. He usually responded, because he felt respected and a part of the classroom.

A typical discussion might go like this:

MH "So, John Locke was an Enlightenment philosopher who wanted what kind of rights? Anyone remember?"
Random student: "Natural rights!"
MH: "Excellent. Natural rights. What does he mean by natural rights? What is a natural right?"
Derek: "Just what it says. A right that is natural, yo! Come on man, we know this stuff!"
MH: "Okay, okay. A right that is natural. What do you mean by natural? What does Derek mean? Or is he just spouting out wisdom up here that you guys can't handle?"
Derek: "That's right yo! I'm smart."
Student: "A natural right is something you get because you are a human being. You deserve it because you are just, like, here."
Derek: "That's what I said! I just said that!"
MH: "Thank you Cindy. And thank you Derek."
MH: "So, what were these natural rights?"Silence.
MH: "Was it the right to chocolate, Game cube, or Starbucks coffee? Think back to what we've been reading about."
Derek: "Yo, we don't know. You gots to tell us. We jus don't know up in here."
MH: "Okay, okay. Anybody? Do you need some help?"
Derek: "Yes, yes. We need help, yo. On the real. Like oxygen and shit."
MH: "Alright. The first one is life. We have the right to life. To live. To be here. Ring any bells?"
Derek: "Nope, no bells. We don't know this Ms, I told you that."
Random Student: "Ms, is it liberty?"
MH: "Excellent! Liberty! And what else?"
Derek: "Aww, she knows it. She's got it! Ask her!" (He's smiling and very excited by now. It's difficult not to laugh because his smile is infectious.)
Student: "Pursuit of Happiness?"
MH: "Aha! You got caught by the old trap! That's Jefferson, my dear. He stole the idea from Locke! We'll talk about that in just a second."
Random Student: "Property?"
MH: Beautiful!
Derek: "Man, that kid is smart. How the hell he know that? So it's life, property, pursuit.."
MH: "Okay, Derek is on a roll. He said that Locke's three natural rights are life, property, and what else?"
Student: "Liberty."
MH: "Great!"

After a while Derek just rolled along with it and I honestly think the kids appreciated that he was incorporated into the classroom--meaning they didn't have to witness tantrums. The kid really is a sweetheart. It's pretty comical when I think back on it.

That's memory number 1 from this year, or rather, Skill #1: Rolling With the Punches. Sometimes I wonder if I should have handled the situation more traditionally. Then again, the above method worked and Derek passed the class because of his active learning. I don't know. I have years to think about it but right now I'm going to bed.

dorkdom

2005-05-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

whew! school is out. i have the rest of today, tomorrow, and the weekend before i start back up. professional development calls (sounds more like screeching) and summer school begins. now that i don't have a gozillion things to do, i thought i'd answer my CHALLENGE. cuz i'm a hollaback girl. i must warn you that i'm a tad delirious because i just finished today. so, read on with caution. and only if you want to read my ramblings about my secret selves.

if I could be a scientist...If I could be a farmer...If I could be a musician...If I could be a doctor...If I could be a painter...If I could be a gardener...If I could be a missionary...If I could be a chef...If I could be an architect...If I could be a linguist...If I could be a psychologist...If I could be a librarian...If I could be an athlete...If I could be a lawyer...If I could be an inn-keeper...If I could be a professor...If I could be a writer...If I could be a llama-rider...If I could be a bonnie pirate...If I could be an astronaut...If I could be a world famous blogger...If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...If I could be married to any current famous political figure...

if i could be a doctor i would work in one of those clinics that serves the underserved. i'm serious, i really would. i always feel like i don't contribute enough and maybe i could give the gift of health. in reality, i abhor certain parts of the body, like scalps and spines, and i'm squeamish with other people's blood. my blood doesn't really gross me out, but when my students run to me with bleeding scabs and such i can't cope.

if i could be a professor....i'd be a bilingual, or trilingual, professor who teaches about women in latin american countries. my classes would address social policies, social histories, and economic policies that affect latin america with an emphasis on women. oh, and the relationship between the us and latin america would be important. and sometimes while teaching i'd just start speaking spanish but everyone would understand me. i'd have a small office decorated with native pictures and memorabilias from different south american countries. i'd be learning the mayan language on the side but i wouldn't tell people because i'd be very shy about my endeavor. my smaller classes would be discussion oriented with lots of papers. i'd grade my papers with a trademark colored pen that's chewed at the tip because i do have an oral fixation. and i'd be a really nice professor and not pretentious.

or, i'd be a professor who's totally into critical theory mixed with urban studies and diversity issues. i'd be kind of crazy (madhatterish) but only because i'd be brilliant (hey, it's my dream). i'd be one of those professors who has a million projects on the side but still, somehow, finds time for her students. i'd be very loving and have a robust laugh. my standards for my students would be very high. they'd read and write a lot...and take trips around the city to put theory into action.

if i could be an architect i'd be in charge of renovating old buildings in europe. and i'd get to stay in europe. a lot.

if i could be a judge or politician's wife (wife? i'd just be a politician) i'd have a lot to do. i'd be like the critical theory professor and the doctor, except i'd have the law and some political power on my side.

if i could be a painter i'd have awesome artwork on my walls and not this crap that i tacked up because i can't look at the bare off-white paint any longer. plus, i'd have a real artsy side and my apartment would actually look shabby sheik instead of just shabby. it's a slow process people.

this is the first non-education blog that i can remember in a long time. i hope i did this exercise appropriately. this reminds me of playing duck duck goose and spacing out so that when you get tagged you don't really realize it and you fuck the whole thing up. i have game issues. a contar, socialstudies, and open up my head, you're tagged if you're into procrastination and good clean fun.

i'll whine, you dine.

2005-05-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

i had a sad thought today. i thought about last year's final day and how happy and hopeful i was for the summer. it seems like my job is the constant and everything else comes together then falls apart around it. scary.
i also realized today, fifteen minutes before my doctor appointment, that my four page check list includes about 10 pages of reading that explicitly stressed my grades were due by 4 pm. fuck. i guess i should have read the ten pages. so there i was, standing on one foot (the other is in a caste), skimming this horrendous packet and calling my doctor's office to cancel. i spent hours figuring out the logistics of the list and i'll return for more grandiose pleasure tomorrow. plus, i have to move shit in my room and i really only have one good foot. this is when living in the same city as your parents comes in handy. can i say mom? yes i can.
on another note, i had a little run in while attempting to habla en espanol. i have lots of native speakers in my fourth period class and i was attempting to speak spanish while grading their finals. at one point i said, "oh ricardo, este pagina es muy mal." he jumped up and said, "ms., you just said something dirty." "no i didn't," i said, shaking my head. "i said this pagina, like this page, es muy mal, is bad. you know, because you missed 10 out of 12." he began to laugh nervously and then told his friends what i said. "no ms!" another boy corrected. "you must accent the a because that's something else if you don't. you know, it has to do with a woman." let's keep in mind that vs are pronounced softly like bs and then throw in my crappy pronunciation so that the p actually sounded like a b, or...yes, a v. two of my bilingual girls giggled and giggled. "oh," i said. "next time i'll just use the word page."

keep on keepin on

2005-05-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

::warm fuzzies::

today my kids and i sat around after finals just shootin the shit. i talked with one senior who's particularly interesting. she's from east la and has a different perspective on life, to say the least. then one girl announced she's getting a breast reduction and the small group of girls and i launched in to girl talk. i'm always reluctant to cross boundaries with my kids (more like paranoid) and i'm not a teacher who talks about her personal life with her students. i remember in high school we had this teacher who cried daily about her ex-husband so we consoled her and got out of learning spanish. we were elated. with my new single status and a particularly painful breakup, i understand the desire to cry in class. sometimes the personal just wants to spill over into the professional. i've cried once this year and i couldn't believe it. i'm usually pretty good at holdin it in, thank you very much. anyway, i had a good time shootin the shit with my kids today.

on another note, my fucking world history kids are failing their fucking final. i'm super irritated by this because these little mofos were given a final review very similar to the final exam. and i mean, very fucking similar. so there is no excuse for my final grades of 29 and 35. so next year i'm not giving a final review that's similar to the test. if they are going to fail, i might as well hold the class up to my standards. i have to pass them anyway. because this is the Age of Enablement.

summer school starts in a week. i worked on curriculum for the district and i have to present it. i hate presenting to teachers. they are the worst students, myself included.

late night thoughts

2005-05-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

because i excel at procrastination, i dove into the world of edublogs and have just resurfaced. one consistent topic, at least with the newbies, is the question of student accountability and the hope for a changing tide in Education. i don't know enough about the history or culture of education in the usa, but i do know that veteran teachers in my high school repeatedly shake their heads and wonder how "things got to be this way." one blogger wrote that he is waiting for the pendulum to swing. i find that i'm waiting for that a lot these days. i guess i'm questioning the length of the trajectory and praying that there is actually a pendulum. don't get me wrong, i love teaching. but i don't love the system, which is corrupted by the weight of enabling and finger pointing.

blurbs

2005-05-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

My local news service receives an F to the highest power. They're newest schtick is to send a stranger into a school to see if the school "cares enough" to catch the stranger before he commits an "atrocity" on the campus.

................

I'm so tired. I've been teaching with crutches and a caste since February. I just found out that I will need my cast for a least two more months. It sucks. It's exhausting. I'm at a loss.

................

I'm going to miss my kids. They have been driving me crazy but cracking me up in the past few days. They say some of the funniest things. I wish I could fit Danielle into a small bottle and send her your way so you can hear her raucous laughter. She's all personality... which is why she needs make an 85 on the final to pass for the year. I've been giving lots of motivational speeches this week. Call me Coach Hatter.

At the same time, my kids are draining me of every single drop of emotion. I'll be sucked dry and parched by next week. I need to learn to detach and let go. Which is a very difficult lesson to learn.

..............

After reading one of A Contar's recent blogs, I began to think about blogging. Blogging is strange. I write as though someone out there is reading my blogs, but I'm always shocked when people comment. Is someone really reading this? A Contar also introduced me to statcounter.com, which is FREAKING MY SHIT OUT. Do I need to start blogging about interesting shit, or mind my Ps and Qs? As Monique would say: Uh, hell to tha NO!

I'm a very opinionated person but I don't share lots of personal stuff on the web. (Did I mentioned I'm paranoid?) I try not to write about co-workers, even if they piss me off. I'm a strong believer in professionalism and I don't gossip at work. But I'm just scared to gossip or rant on the internet. (Note: this is in no way passing judgement on those who do talk about their co-workers. In fact, your blogs are more interesting to read. lol). I'm rambling about stupid shit. And that brings me to my third thought for the night: communication. I started blogging because no one would listen to me rant about my day. I had no teacher friends (only one in the process of becoming a teacher) and I was desperate for communication with the teacher world. It's been nice and affirming. I'm wasn't looking for lesson plans, more like commradary. Lord knows you need it in this job.

God. I have a litany of teen slang running through my head. Words race through my brain while I sit on my couch, faces popping up every once in a while. It's like they haunt you....
BOOYA!

let's review

2005-05-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

This week my classes are reviewing for finals. I give them a written review and play a game on the last day. Is anyone willing to pay me a dollar for every time I say It's in your book? Because I could seriously retire on that money.

p.s. Other ways I direct kids to their textbook:

"Heard of an index?"
"See that thing that's green and kind of heavy? Yes..that thing! Look in there."
"Oh sure, it's on page 230934094."
"I'm sorry. Did I stamp (insert textbook title here) on my forehead? I could have sworn I'm a human being."
"I don't know. Maybe if you think hard enough the answer will come to you. Of course, you could always consult your book."

And my most used, "I don't know. What do you think? So..how might you find that answer?" (it's much more tame than the others).

It's not that I'm a cold hearted bitch. My kids are freaking lazy and think I'm an encyclopedia.

thoughts

2005-05-15T20:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if there is a future in teaching. My dad says,"There will always be a need for teachers!" but I don't feel the job security. I'm tired of the public attacking teachers. I don't like that my job stipulations and payroll are contingent on politician's whims. I don't like that there isn't much of a job latter. The thing is, I love teaching and I can't see myself doing anything else. But sometimes I wish I could be content with a cubicle and an 9-5 schedule.

Attention Students!

2005-05-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

Our first final will arrive with a menacing presence in exactly one week. You still have time to turn in work for the late grade of 50. However, you may NOT make up work if you meet the conditions below:

1. You have not attended my class in literally two months.
2. You have a zero. Even if you complete 18 assignments with grades of 50, you will still fail. Especially since you flunked the test and chose not to re-do it.

Please do not get your mom, your aunt, dad, cousin, sister, or best friend to contact me. Feel free to get your counselor to call me, because when I explain the situation she/he will most likely side with me.

If you are a senior, you may get exempt from your final if you meet the district requirements. You may NOT, however,

1. scream and cuss when you realize you have too many absences
2. try to bribe me to change the grade
3. ask me to sign off for volunteer make-up hours that you didn't do

You may threaten that you are "not going to take the final anyway" because I find it hilarious that you are willing to jeopardize your graduation status because of an elective.

I'm lying. I don't find it hilarious. I find it ludicrous.

Resignation or coping mechanism?

2005-05-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

I've learned to shrug off the Ridiculous. Some things you can't change, no matter how serious they are. For example, they've broken in to my school twice in the last week. Last night my room was part of the Break-In Scandal of 2005. I'm not the only victim, they broke into several other rooms on the first and second floor. Last night they didn't take anything from my room or from other rooms in my hall. They pushed a small fridge out of an English teacher's window and left it on the roof. I'd be seriously pissed if someone ruined my food. That shit is sacred. But, in MH's room, the only disruption was broken glass and a Chuckie footprint (we always called them Converse). The most hilarious aspect of my break-in is that THE WINDOWS WERE UNLOCKED. Either these kids like breaking things or are too stupid to test the windows. I honestly believe the latter.
The interesting thing about this break-in fiasco is that we are the only campus in the district that does not have a security camera system and we have no security system for our classrooms. Makes sense, huh? The scary thing is that the kids are learning this, as one of my kids said today, "Wait, didn't the alarm system go off?" He just returned from prison today and his eyes gleamed with comprehension.
The fact that our campus has the highest rate of theft in the district but no security cameras is Ridiculous. It just is.

Today I sent a kid down to the library, trusting her to use the computers in peace. I should have known better; this kid has a serious mouth on her. She came back a little embarrassed and mock-proud, announcing that she cussed out the librarians and told them to "shut they mouths." "Sweetheart,"I said earnestly, "Why do you think you can go around telling adults to shut their mouths? I know your mama doesn't let you talk to adults like that...does she?" My darling student admitted that her mother does not, in fact, allow her to talk rudely in her presence. But this kid gets away with murder because people just don't want to deal with it. The attitude does get tiring, as adorable as she can be. The kid wears you down.

Apparently the librarian said to her, "Leave and don't come back...ever!" My student whipped around and said, with all her sass,"Oh I'll be back. You can't get rid of me!" Haha. I don't know why I find that so funny. Like the kid is dying to go to the library or something.

freaked out

2005-05-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

a contar has freaked me out. she included information about a woman who lost her job from blogging. i'm a little paranoid in general and now i'm going to have a meltdown. then again, my blog is not as "expressive" and "detailed" as the dooced blogger.
originally i began blogging because i wanted to vent about the classroom and share my experiences. i also wanted to gain advice from other teachers, whether experienced or new. i chose the name Madhatter because my kids constantly remark on how "crazy" i am and i'm a very fast paced person with a bit of ADD. i'd like to mention that i did not choose my name because i'm high on drugs (apparently the madhatter was based on the maxim "mad as a hatter," because hat makers went mad from the mercury involved in the hat making process).

i'm rambling because i'm nervous. i'm freaking out via the internet. what's a blogger to do?

cinco de mayo

2005-05-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

growing up in southcentral texas, we celebrated cinco de mayo in school. maybe the gringos brought in store bought tortillas, queso, and a little bottled pico to go along with it, but, by god, we had a party. occasionally there was a pinata involved and we made elaborate paper decorations (what are those called?). we all knew why cinco de mayo was important.

now i work at a school that is primarily hispanic, with many immigrants born and raised in mexico. when they speak of cinco de mayo, a huge, proud smile spreads across their faces. it's fantastic. for these kids, cinco is not a trivial holiday celebrated by only a small percentage of the population. being around hispanic kids every day has made me realize how white my upbringing was (yes, i had that handful of mexican american friends in highschool and one honduran but let's not kid ourselves), and how accustomed i've become to mexican american culture. i'm not saying i'm about to whip out spanish lingo or that i know mexican politics. i've always been interested in mexico and latin america, but i think it was from a more intellectual standpoint. now i feel as though i'm more culturally aware. i realized this the other day at the grocery store, when i passed a few kids and their mom. one kid said, "what's cinco de mayo?" and the mother said, "just some holiday in mexico."

2005-05-04T18:46:00.000-07:00

today was a bit better. not by much, but i wasn't ready to breathe fire on children through my dragon nostrils. as one of my kids put it, "i think you're in a better mood today, ms. because yesterday, whew! you were in a bad mood...(quietly) it was kind of scary." which made me laugh because i'm the least scary person in the building and the one day i was feisty my kids shrank back as though i'd backhanded them.
i guess it's all relative.

today i wrote in big letters on my blackboard, below the assignment:

PASS MY CLASS, FOOLS!

i think it actually motivated them.

to sum up my day...

2005-05-03T17:27:00.000-07:00

I've been in a hellcat mood. I'm super bitchy and I don't care. One of my little bratty kids came up to me and protested in rapidvalleygirl language, "I can't believe I'm failing. I was absent, and um, well, you know, you were supposed to give me my make up work and you didn't give me nothing."

Normally I don't insult or yell at my kids and I tactfully remind them about their grammar. But McBitch came out and I said, in front of others, "FIRST of all, it's "you didn't give me anything" because "you didn't give me nothing" is a double negative. Secondly, I don't remember you asking and, more importantly, do not speak to me in that tone. Now, what do you need again?"

My tone was super derisive and my resident Bitch was smirking at this Valley Girl. Other stellar things I've said today:

Whiner: Can we not do anything because I have a lot of work to do for my AP English class?
Me: Well, I guess you shouldn't take AP if you can't keep up with it.

What I wanted to add: Why don't you just sign up for DELTA?

Annoying Kid: Ms, Ms, Ms?
Me: You are way too annoying for me answer to you right now. Go sit down and try to contact me again. And be silent while you do it.

very cute kid who usually cracks me up has managed to get light blue paste from science class all over his hands, his clothes, my desk, and my floor:

me: Ray, are you in fifth grade? Do I need to take you down to the local elementary school so you can play with the other children?

a contar, how many days left?

pass me the gatorade.

2005-05-01T06:24:00.000-07:00

i have to lesson plan and all i want to do is barf. i'm hung over. and i really don't care about WWII. i remember this routine from last year: finish lesson planning before you get drunk so that you don't have to plan while hung over. blah. blegh.

i wish i could figure out how to paste pictures on an actual post without using flicker. i can't even figure out how to post small pictures on the sides. sad, huh.

Quiz Yourself, Fool!

2005-04-28T17:04:00.000-07:00

You Are 30 Years Old

30

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

man, oh man

2005-04-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

I'm emotionally exhausted and I feel guilty about it. Today one of my kids said, "Ms, are you having a bad day? Because you look like you don't want to be here with us." I tried to fake it, but I did a shoddy job. He's right. I'm tired and I just want to sit and veg.

Perhaps I'm worn down because the kids are going bonkers. Our big standardized test is over and there are four more weeks of school. I know my students are thinking "time to coast!" and we're struggling because I'm piling on the work. I told them "we can do this the hard way or the easy way" and quoted Mussolini. hehe.

Being exhausted means I don't have my usual threshold for insults and annoyances, thus, the kids are starting to drive me crazy. Yesterday this kid pissed me the fuck off in first period, and then in third period this student rambled on about how teachers have easy jobs and are filled with self-pity. I listed many reasons why teaching is difficult, including "emotionally taxing," and he laughed. He reminds me of a scientist-type who regards social sciences as "fake sciences" and refuses to acknowledge non-factual things like emotions. Whatever.

My fifth period is totally out of control. They are the loudest, rowdiest bunch of kids. Today I tried to introduce the unit on gender while WASPy boys up front made homophobic comments, the girls in the row behind him whispered about prom, and two girls on the other side of the room added the final touches to another girl's braids (this involved a lighter). Now add various shouted comments about men vs. women (some of them so asinine they aren't worth repeating) and ya get my fifth period. i swear. to. god. Three girls in this period vow that they will buy me a present at the end of the year: tequila. I don't like kids buying me things (not that I've had tons of offers) but I said, "Look, I'm fine with flowers. Bring me flowers." i swear. to. god. Now, I must admit, I've inadvertently let fifth period become this raging monkey on my back. But that doesn't mean I can't complain about it. And I'm taking notes for next year.

The good news is that I had my summative evaluation yesterday and it went amazingly well. I got a hug from my principal, which I took as a good sign. Whoopee.

in question

2005-04-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

i'm nervous about teaching summer school. have i made a big mistake? i could make a list of pros and cons but it's a little too late. i guess time will tell.

The End.

2005-04-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

this isn't worth reading but i just have to shout...

I'M SO GLAD TESTING IS FINISHED!

my group of testers were pretty good, except for the sleazy "i'm 24, still in high school, and i gel my hair rather than wash it" boy who made a disgusting comment to me.

we didn't do anything today in my regular shortened classes except play hanged man. which was interesting because my kids can't spell. i laughed a lot.

reflection

2005-04-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

Monitoring is really boring. Especially when your kids take 3 hours to take a test. Oh wait, 3 hours and 45 minutes. And what do I have to show for monitoring, monitoring, monitoring? May I present to you Anything but the Test: A Guide To Procrastination During A Standardized Test.

1. Examine pencil. Discover every groove, study the eraser, and pick at the stray pieces near the tip.
2. Stare at ceiling. Study every punctuation or dirty spot on ceiling tiles.
3. Study room. Everything in the room is covered with purple butcher paper, so just study the purple paper like it's floating or something.
4. Study hair. Hold hair pieces in front of face or run fingers over one strand, over and over and over.
5. Pop neck, back, fingers about 10 million times.
6. Nod head up and down in rhythm with silent song playing in your head. Nod your head so hard that your green and blue pigtails swing back and forth. Grin sheepishly when I glare at you for distracting others.
7. Play with your bright red sandals. Let a sandal dangle off your toes. Set the shoe down, run your toe carefully around the rim, and then dangle again.
8. If you are a boy sitting near Red Sandal Girl, watch her foot with hormone-induced interest.
9. If you are the hefty boy sitting in back row, try to cross your eyes by staring at pencil in front of your face.
10. If you are Strange Bird sitting near the aisle, try to write on your skin in pencil by tracing a heart over and over and over.

Sorry reader, but this post is giving me flashbacks and now I'm bored. I'm outtie five thou. But when I return, I shall write about my students insisting on buying me an alcoholic beverage. It's strange and disconcerting.

and that's the truth, ruth!

2005-04-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

TAKS. sucks.

observations and confessions

2005-04-17T08:03:00.000-07:00

My feelings toward my sociology classes have calmed a bit. I haven't had the time to write due to a hectic personal life. However, life is about to mellow out a bit--perhaps even become boring-and I'll have lots of time to rant and rave and laugh over my little darlings.
*see star below if you are a grammar expert--leespease.

News: I'm teaching summer school. Why? Because I need the money, yo. I'm a little nervous about teaching a room full of kids for 4 hours straight. I taught Saturday School and by noon I was ready to kick those little munchkins out the door. I'm hoping Summer School kids act differently because they pay to be there. Saturday School kids did not pay... even though you'd think they'd have been on their best behavior because they were getting a six weeks worth of credit in 12 hours (three weekends). Don't worry, they still complained and tantrumed.

On my mind:
In sociology the other day we discussed the self-fulfilling prophecy as part of our unit on ethnicity and race. We were on some morphed tangent when I expressed that, as a child, prison/jail was this abstract place of punishment because I did not know anyone who'd been to jail. Meaning, none of my family members have been to jail. Most of my students were stunned. I knew I was taking a risk mentioning this. My kids love me and I have great relationships with them, partly because they've accepted that I'm "not no normal white lady." If they realize that I've lived an upper-class, white life they'll lose trust in me (and judge the book by its cover). For example, when I mentioned that I went to a more reputable public high school here in town, it was over for me. They were sure that I liked that place better and wondered why I demoted myself. I nonchalantly expressed that I like my current school way better and, truthfully, I always hated my former high school. It's taken a while for them to believe that I actually like the "poor school" better than the "rich one."
By admitting that jail has not been a prominent factor in my life, I drew a dividing line between me and many of my students. I tried to frame the discussion by telling them I was going to "be real" with them and used a confessional voice to make my point. I think my instructional point was made because after their initial surprise they began to nod their heads. If I want my kids to really listen to me and to use their lives as a mirror for society, they have to trust and identify with me. Ruby Payne writes about the importance of relationships in the classroom and I have to agree. In my sociology classes we discuss a lot and I depend on relationships with my kids (trust) to help them question and examine existing structures in society. If they see me as "some white lady", they won't trust me to go on a "academic journey," if you will.

*The dork in me is kicking to come out... If I interject something into my sentence--like this--, do I use two or one of the little dashes after the last word? Help me teachers. Please.

generation tool

2005-04-06T17:54:00.000-07:00

although i like to write about my day, i'm always wary to write about distinct events that might single me out as teacher X at school X in city X. meaning, i don't want to expose myself. then i think about how much i've already exposed and WHALA. i am here to spew.

I will not ramble off the litany of words I'd like to use to describe my stupid fucking sociology classes. I'm so fucking tired of dealing with them. I've got two classes, one of mostly APers and another full of these brain dead loonies. My first period includes four boys who think they rule the fucking world, including my classroom. Yes, you are smart. You are probably way smarter than everyone in this stupid class but here's the catch: I don't give a fuck. You are still 17 years old and, although you are graduating in May, you have not graduated yet. So sit the fuck down and shut-up. I'm so tired of their bullshit. I should add that this is partly my fault because I haven't discipline them appropriately.

(Madhatter, down on her knees). Will I ever master discipline? I thought I was doing so much better and, yet, my sociology classes are gaining on me. Why can't I get this down?!

I've got half the class bored and half the class lost. Half the class likes my class and half the class really doesn't care because it's an elective and they got put in there by a counselor. I haven't figured out how to balance my class yet and I really don't need these boys spitting out insults to me and the other kids in the class.

And my afternoon class. Good God. I think they went around the school and picked out the most apathetic, low-level, self-centered children and put them in my class. It is a terrible mix of kids. Okay, I'm just frusterated. Let me give you an anecdote to describe some of these kids.

I assign a jigsaw over minority groups in America. Instead of working, a group of girls are looking at a magazine. I walk over and find that it's a Seventeen magazine opened to a story about teenage girls sentenced to prison for various crimes. There are six pictures plastered across the pages with captions. The girls in my class are reading the captions and talking about what they would do to a girl who tried to "front on them" like that. I take the magazine up and one girls protests, "Ms, come on. Well, if you are going to take it, will you at least read it to us?" "You haven't read the article?" I ask. "No, it's too long. I'm not gonna read all that crap," she said. I stare at her. "This article is too long for you?"I ask. "Yeah, look at all those pages and shit. It's too long. I want you to read it tooo meee," she whines.
I know that you're wondering if this girl is a good reader and possibly thinking about reading strategies. Let me tell you this: This student is not a great reader nor a terrible one. She should definitely be a better reader, given that she's a senior and graduating in May. However, she's a smart kid and fully capable of reading a freaking two page article in Seventeen magazine.
So here we have a group of girls who are captivated by the storyline but too fucking lazy to read an article in Seventeen. It's not like this is academic writing. For fucks sake.

And it goes on from there. I'm so tired of my elective class serving as a dumping ground. I love sociology but I'm seriously considering not teaching it. Because these kids are unhappy no matter what I teach and I'm so fucking tired of their egos. Grrr.

hog heaven

2005-04-04T15:27:00.000-07:00

when i decided to pursue my dream of teaching, i envisioned myself using socratic questioning methods and counseling kids in my spare time. i had this picturesque image of me and a student sitting together, the student pooring out his/her heart and then soaking in my wonderful advice. next, the student would follow my advice and blossom into a fuller human being. i know. it's egotistical but my intention was to help kids and get some satisfaction out of it. it was a win-win situation. honestly.
my dream never actualized until this week. this past week has been therapy time in my sunny classroom. i signed up for this mentoring program and i've managed to counsel five kids besides my assigned mentorees. and when i say counsel, i mean giving up lunches and off-periods to listen and talk with these kids. i'm used to the "usuals" dropping by but now my well-adjusted kids are sobbing or looking for direction. my loner kids who won't talk to anyone are pulling up a chair and spilling their guts. and you know i'm loving it. i'd like to add that i've been great about listening and not just advising. i have a tendency to lecture, i have to admit. and the best part is that these kids walk away with big smiles on their faces. and i feel like i'm really making a difference, not just droning on about old, dead, white people....
so hey, got a problem? come to madhatter's room! giving advice makes me feel like a better person.

really i don't got none

2005-04-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

has anyone else found that their grammar, both written and spoken, has become terrible since teaching? my "writing voice" spits out double negatives. and now i really use the word really a lot to really express myself.

exhausted

2005-03-29T19:26:00.000-08:00

blogging will resume as soon as the tidal wave passes. apologies to my three readers. miss me.

not a joke

2005-03-23T20:29:00.000-08:00

i have to share this story. one of my veteran co-workers told me about the time a counselor sent her a note regarding a student that went something like this:

Sally will be shortly entering your class. Sally has multiple personality disorder, with nine personalities total. Some of her personalities are volatile and there is a chance she will attack you. For example, should Yolanda come to class you need to roll on the floor, stick your hands up, and say, "You win! You win!"

the letter went on to describe her other personalities. needless to say, my co-worker expressed her discomfort working with a student where there was a high possibility of the student attacking the teacher. not to mention the dramatic solution to the problem. what a funny story.

He aint a playa he just crush a lot...

2005-03-22T10:05:00.000-08:00

The wierd thing about the kid who makes inappropriate advances is that he's this boygenius who is apparently silent in other classes. In fact, one day the kids in my class ganged up on him, saying "CrushAlot, you aren't like this in any other classes. Why are you acting like this in here?" So I decided to speak with CrushAlot about his lack of respect for me. I basically explained that I felt he didn't respect my position as a teacher and I used the old manipulation line, "Have I done something to offend you?" This line always works for me. Seriously fool proof (if you have good relationships with your kids). We talked and then, THEN, he says, "Nah but, wait, you can't say that if I met you on the street you wouldn't hang out with me. You know we would." My eyes got really big and my face began to contort and I said, rather exasperately, "CRUSHALOT, I would not hang out with you. You are 17. I am 25. That may not seem like much of a difference to you, but it's a huge difference. I hang out with people my age and older. I'm sorry. You're a great kid but you are a kid. Not to mention, my student."

It's a dilema that I've thought a lot about because I keep wondering, Is it something I'm doing? I'm young and I look very young. I'm 5'4, I joke around with my students, I understand lots of their lingo, I listen to hip hop (see Mr. Babylon for a great blog about this)... My point is that I am a boundary disaster. But I'm very careful about boundaries with my kids. I don't really touch them except an occasional hand shake or hand on the shoulder--even that is rare-- I don't talk about inappropriate things with them, and I really don't share my personal life. These are my boundaries that I've created within my classroom. It's not that I'm a cold person. I just know that I must set up boundaries or they'll see me as a peer instead of a teacher.

Anyway, I finally decided to go the Asst. Principal, just to let him know what was going on. I didn't want rumors circulating that I'm Mary Kay Laturno or something. He howled with laughter and very sweetly advised that CrushAlot has a crush on Yours Truly. Which wasn't mind-blowing because it's normal for teenage boys (and girls), but what gets me about CrushAlot is that he's so audacious with his come-ons. It's bizarre that he thinks he has a chance.

i'm too tired to title this...

2005-03-21T17:04:00.000-08:00

funny thing that schedule change. i ended up falling asleep around 3 30 and got up at 6 30. yes people. that's THREE HOURS OF FREAKING SLEEP. not okay.

however, i was happily surprised to feel excited about being back in the classroom. maybe excited isn't the word... i'd say i felt a warm familiarity and congeniality with my students. and my first period lecture about imperialism was ON POINT! talk about engaging. love the opium war and boxer rebellion. of course, the moment i said opium my student's eyebrows waggled and when i mentioned the family of drugs associated with opium, well, they were ecstatic. "finally!" one notorious druggie exclaimed, "it's okay to talk about drugs!"

whew. that's about all i can ramble on about. i'm exhausted.

diving into the wreck...

2005-03-20T22:29:00.000-08:00

so okay, i feel better about not thinking about my kids. i'm throwing out my grandiose and unrealistic notions of a perfect teacher. i will not try to live up to something i can never achieve.

tonight i've discovered one downside to spring break: changed sleep patterns. it's 12 25 and i have to get up at 6 30 and my body is ready to party rather than sleep. i've been going to bed at 2 and 3 am for the past week and sleeping until 11. just like the good ol days.

BUT... i realized that the reason i'm so frusterated with my kids right now is that i hate the lack of rigor in my classroom and i feel like i'm regurgitating information like a mother bird to it's young and although i know they understand the content i don't think they are developing critical thinking skills, or thinking skills at all for that matter, and i'm determined to figure out how to push their limits instead of watching them get by with their veggie mind state... now that was a run on sentence and i loved it...

everyone in the house is sleeping but me.

worrisome

2005-03-17T09:18:00.000-08:00

during my spring break i have not graded, lesson planned, or even thought about the kids (correction: i've thought about them while reading ruby payne). reading the blogs of fellow teachers currently working makes me dread going back to the classroom. what's wrong with me? i have these grand illusions that i want to be in the classroom every minute and can't wait to get back. i have to admit, i felt that last year. but today, the thursday before returning, all i'm entertaining is a sinking feeling in my stomach.

stay tuned

2005-03-10T16:31:00.000-08:00

the optimism is fading, as am i. this week has been crazy hectic because it's the week before spring break. i've got mounds of grading to do and no time to blog. BUT, i do need to update you on the status of the kid who made inappropriate remarks and advances. and talk about group work. so stay tuned for more fabulous bitching and blogging. or at least bitching. :)

i'm a new woman

2005-03-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

professional development is the new definition for tedious.

i've vacillated from being ultra burnt-out and frusterated to a take-charge optimist in one day. during the workshop on rubrics (who doesn't use a rubric?) i thought about how i'm a horrible teacher and how my kids aren't learning anything. at my lowest point, i realized that it is too late in the year to make changes. i'm screwed. during the second workshop on the importance of vocabulary (ill na na), i thought about taking a trip to italy. then i imagined myself independently wealthy and living in italy, drinking vino and looking at bernini's sculptures all day long. of course, at that moment i leaned forward in the over-tagged desk (southside playas) and touched a nasty piece of gum-something stuck on the side. i shrank back and knocked my pencil to the floor, which rolled down the literally and very sloped classroom to the back of the room.

i skipped the next session because i really couldn't stomach touchy feely shit (really i mean touching strangers in general) and drove around looking at the pedestrians enjoying the sunshine. i think it was the sun that lifted the dark clouds from my mind. or maybe the extra mocha i had. either way, i was feeling better.

i got back to the classroom and realized i'm really just overwhelmed by the craziness of the kids in recent weeks (it's official: all teachers agree the kids are going crazy) and by the disorganized, cluttered mess that is my room. i've. got. to. organize. but that's a topic for another blog because i've never quite mastered that skill.

SO. tonight i'm taking the first step in organizing. i had it all straightened out before, i just need to re-apply, re-do, re-think. while sifting through my stacks of papers i found old lesson plans. good lesson plans. and i thought, hey, i'm not a horrible teacher. i'm a work in progress. and i can do this. by golly i can! if i can get a hold of my disorganization then i will have motivation to tackle the discipline problems (aka my kids). i will have the zest for life that i once had and my energy will actually make my kids want to learn! they'll crave it!

and that, people, is how i have morphed into the optimist that i am tonight!

anecdotal list

2005-03-04T18:58:00.000-08:00

i'm running on one hour sleep and i think i've reached delirium. and what's the best activity for when you're delirious? blogging!

things that happened this week:
1. i asked the kids to write two things they like and dislike about my class on the back of their tests. the two things they disliked had to be realistic, ie. i don't want to do work is not an option, and then they had to offer suggestions for improvement. i was prepared to get chewed up and spit out (mainly by my first period, which was the reason behind the activity) but the kids were really sweet and encouraging. once i dig up some of my favorite responses (and there's a mean streak in me for writing this) i might post them. what made me laugh was the consistency of their "dislikes" in my class: no seating chart and more videos. the third runner up was more group work. the seating chart is here to stay but i'm working on finding more interesting w. history videos. any suggestions? and the group work...i reminded them that i love group work but the work they were turning in was such crap that i abolished group work for a few weeks. also, fourth period was so social it became a chore to drag work out of them. so, i manipulated, if you guys can produce work that doesn't suck, i can incorporate group work back into the curriculum. really it was their behavior coupled with the crazy time restraints due to testing--aka, teaching to the test. but they don't have to know that.

2. my first period is beginning to drive me crazy. as a group the kids are mean, always picking on each other and throwing tantrums. i tried a review game with them and it was a DISASTER. talk about sore losers. the thing about first period is that two kids are the driving force behind this meanness: a boy and girl bully. both of them do not have working relationships with other teachers and i guess i pride myself that i can get them to come to class and, for the most part, produce accountable talk and work. however, lately i've been letting comments slip and it's definitely building up. god. i really have trouble with that. anyway, several students have approached me about one particular bully and basically asked me to shut him up. i feel like i've been nominated for "Worst Teacher of the Year" because i've let him slip out of control and he's driving other students crazy now. not just me, but the class too. also, i recently learned that he hit a kid on the back of the head. i'm like, what? what the fuck happened? i don't think so. you will NOT hit other kids in my class. so, i'm through being nice. i didn't realize i was slowly giving up until this week. it takes so much freaking energy to work with him. but i'm not letting my class go to hell on account of his crazy ass.

3. i went back to the doctor and they instructed me to get back on my crutches. I HATE MY CRUTCHES. it's impossible to monitor and move around the classroom. i can't go anywhere with ease. and now the kids feel responsible for ensuring that i actually use my crutches. everyone is "reminding" me. even the custodian. and she reminds me in spanish. muletas..or something like that. usar them. i'm sorta hard headed but goddamn. i hate my crutches.

4. i threatened to call the mamma of each student who failed the test. only five kids failed the test in first period. that's my lowest leveled class. i usually have at least 14 kids fail the test. i was ecstatic. why didn't i think of that before?

5. i thought someone stole my coke. i was really pissy and ranting about my coke and how could someone take away my caffeine source when it's clear that i'm an addict? then i got in my car to go home and found it on the front seat.

6. i had another talk with one of my favorite students who basically admitted he's dealing drugs but wants to go to college. he talks about bettering himself but i know he's caught up in gang activity, etc. i don't know. i have a feeling he's going to break my heart.

7. i told my first period i was going to regulate. i don't know where the term came from but i didn't realize i was "speaking their language" until they started hollering and singing a tune by warren g. um, hello, that is from MY heyday people.

okay, i'm off to bed. i can't stay up any longer. over and out.

the crying game

2005-03-01T14:52:00.000-08:00

today i cried in class. let me now surround this sentence with context.

i'm not the type of person to cry in public. i do not like to project an image of the "over-emotional woman" (a sexist stereotype) nor do i like to be pitied. at all. this is just my personality. i like to think i'm pretty amiable (aka i'm not cold or caustic) but i hate it when other people feel sorry for me or see me in a vulnerable state.

but today i was having a really, really bad day. i've been having a difficult few months and, i don't know, it capitulated today during lunch. the problem is, once the waterworks are turned on it's difficult to stop the tears. i managed to pull myself together when the bell rang but a few tears were still flowing.

i refer to my fourth period as "monkeys gone wild" because there are 33 of them, about 7 of them are severely ADHD, and the rest won't stop socializing for history class. they're a good bunch of kids but they drive me insane. as my crazy monkeys filed through the door a hush fell over the room. they began to crowd around me as though i was a zoo creature perched in the wrong environment. i began blowing my noise, anything to hide my face, and saying, "it's okay. i'm okay." then they all lurched forward for the group hug, saying "it's okay ms! we love you!" they were generally concerned. and let me tell you, i'm going to start crying like once a month. it was the best disciplinary procedure EVER. they just sat there and stared at me. someone would start talking and another kid would shoot a demonic glare, silently screaming "she's been CRYING."

the one kid that really gets under my skin got a little lesson today. he puts the O in obnoxious and when he saw me blowing my nose he said, "you look like crap." "i know," i said dryly. his friend hit him. "DUDE, she's been crying." "oh shit," he said. "i feel like such an asshole." no comment.

booya

2005-02-28T19:31:00.000-08:00

this link is taken from posthipchick. what a way to make a point and prove the latent power that teachers have. our society needs teachers. and if you undervalue them, you're undervaluing the education of our society's future (the kids, dodo.)
hmm. imagine how desperate these teachers must be to go to such lengths. i wonder if it'd work in tejas...

BERKELEY Teachers cut back on work in protest. No raise for 2 years, no after school hours. Patrick Hoge, Chronicle Staff Writer Monday, February 28, 2005

Berkeley teachers, demanding a pay raise after two years without one, are refusing to work any more hours than their contract requires, and the impact is being felt throughout the school district.
Kids within the Berkeley Unified School District are not being assigned written homework because teachers won't grade papers on their own time. A black history event was canceled Friday evening. And parents had to staff a middle-school science fair one recent night.

for the rest, click here.

Nostalgia--NOT.

2005-02-25T16:21:00.000-08:00

The Cussing King (see Daddy) dropped by today. He and my aide (a former student from the same period) and I talked about my classes last year. Ohmigod. I had forgotten how chaotic things were for me, especially in the first semester. I was at the disposal of my kids. I had no behavior management plan and my heart was bleeding all over the place. I was way too nice.
We all shared a good laugh and in that moment I realized that the Predictors and Advice Givers were right. Things do get easier as you become more comfortable with the environment and develop your flow. It only took me two years to understand this. If if I become more comfortable each year, well, it's gonna be ON! (as my students would say)

lord.

2005-02-23T15:38:00.000-08:00

ugh!

this semester i have a new batch of kids and one of them is weirding me out. during a side conversation we discovered that we both like aesop rock and, since that fateful day, homeboy has been making inappropriate remarks. like asking me out.

the first time he suggested we go to a hip-hop show together and i just looked at him cross-eyed. i mean, i've had kids make nasty comments to me but they were purposely derogatory and meant to take power away from me. and those perps always ended up in the office. and kids have tried to "get me to go to a rave" but we all knew they were kidding. but homeboy asked me out in a really mild manner, like he was asking for a piece of paper, and it sort of shocked me.

the next time he asked me if i wanted to hang out and get some dinner. i'm like, what the hell are you talking about? in fact, i blurted out, "homeboy, why do think we're friends? i'm your teacher. i'm not your friend. i have friends my own age." he laughed. "i know. but come on, we can be friends." i just stared at him. and then i said, "we're not friends. we're not equals. you are my student." i wanted to say, and why the hell would i hang out with you? you're 17. and my student.

so today, during class, i made a sarcastic remark about golf and he says, "hey do you like golf? we should go play sometime." and the kids are looking at me like, what the hell is he talking about? and i'm looking at him like, what the hell are you talking about? i didn't know what to do. he's a really nice kid and i don't want to hurt his feelings. but shit. i think i'm going to have to sit him down and set him straight. which will be incredibly awkward.

i just don't understand why this kid feels free to make these inappropriate advances. i've heard another adult describe him as "creepy" before. i wouldn't say that. he just doesn't seem to understand boundaries.

note to self

2005-02-22T20:41:00.000-08:00

i was talking to a blogger friend who remarked that she has no memory and her blog helps her remember how she feels throughout the year. and i remembered one reason i originally started this blog, to record my experiences and share them with my friends (and concerned citizens :). SO, in my own self-interest i will proceed:

it's mid feb. and here are some definite changes that will be made next year:

1. i instituted folder checks this year. folders as in a spiral notebook. but next year i want them to be ringed. because the kids are losing hand-outs i give them. also, i'm debating whether i should let the kids keep their journals in class. i know i need to teach them responsibility (did you all enjoy that round of laughter?) but man. 50% will bring them everyday. at most.

2. maps. i want more maps in my class. maps and outlines. i need more structure. i've begun to give my kids more maps this semester, but they're losing them. refer to number 1. also, keep up the mental mapping as a medium for note taking.

3. journal entries. these are lots of work and i didn't do them this year. but i kind of miss them. it was a really sly, manipulative way to get kids to think about character and their life as a whole. journal entries created great discussions. and got them writing, which they absolutely abhor!

blah. i need some direction. i want to throw everything out and start fresh. i'm never satisfied! or am i a glutton for punishment?

Ruby Payne, I'm gonna read your book from start to finish!

2005-02-22T20:21:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a friend, I've finally gotten my hands on Ruby Payne's Framework for Understanding Poverty. I've read various chapters and attended lectures about her work, but her book is really hard to find. Alll of the local bookstores are out and I swear that five months ago Amazon said the book was out of print. (I just clicked over to Amazon and found it back on the market). And after that, I became too lazy to search further. Luckily, over corn dogs, cokes, and good discussion, I realized my friend has a copy of the book. I wish she's write about her experiences. She teaches Life Skills kids and has the best stories. Anyways, this blog was to express my supreme excitement. Weeeeee!

ps. on a totally different matter, testing = <5 hours = brain dead kids = tired teachers

the smell of silence

2005-02-21T09:52:00.000-08:00

this morning i arrived at school an hour earlier than usual. it was dark and quiet. the halls smelled like a school, rather than the wafts of heavy cologne, perfume, and sweat that permeate the air during school hours. the whole scene reminded me of my mother. she used to get up at 5 30am so that she could sit alone and drink her coffee before anyone else in the house got up. she always said it was her only time of peace. now i understand.

fun with books

2005-02-19T10:22:00.000-08:00

Taken from A History Teacher.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don’t search around and look for the “coolest” book you can find. Do what’s actually next to you.

The book nearest me is actually a photography book, Women, by Annie Leibovitz and Susan Sontag. But the second nearest book is Historical Atlas of Islam by Malise Ruthven. Page 123 falls under the subtitle, "Muslim Minorities in China." Here is my tantalizing fifth sentence:

Though all Muslim groups were persecuted during Mao Zedong's Cultural Revolution (1966-1976) with at least one major massacre of Hui in the wake of an uprising in Yunnan, state patronage of the Yiewanis has persisted under the more relaxed climate that followed the accession of Deng Xiaoping.

I've been reading this book to guide me through a study group that I'm involved with for the district. I'm still within the first 50 pages and my study group is currently discussing the Moors in Spain. So needless to say, I'm not too familiar with the content discussed on page 123.

confessions

2005-02-17T15:35:00.001-08:00

life is about balance and somewhere in february my see-saw tipped over. i'm interpreting today as a wake-up call. i think i've been really self-absorbed lately. my stress level has peaked and this causes me to brainstorm over whether teaching is my future and the benefits and drawbacks of teaching. swept up in the tide of testing, status, and teaching ideology, i fear i might leave my students behind.

people are fallible and everyone has problems. my kids included. my kids eat drugs like candy and are pretty shitty with the idea of protected sex. but i don't think these issues are solely related to my kids. rich kids take lots of drugs too. in fact, they can afford the expensive stuff. yet, my kids get caught up in the system because they don't have lawyers or money to bail them out or to cover up their messes. they get steered through juvenile courts like cattle. many of them think it's inevitable. and with the glamorization of the ghetto, some of my students earn merit points when they get "faded". they even make up stories about it. not all of my students want to "be ghetto," as they put it, but some work really hard for that status. sometimes it's hard to take them seriously when you know that they've got two really hard-working parents and, despite the ass-sagging pants and the red or blue shirts, they are pretty good kids. they're faking it.

but tragic stories do unfold. we've all heard them. this kid's whole family is in jail, this kid saw his mother get shot by his father, this kid lives with her grandparents because the parents are dope feins. we've also got a lot of foster homes in our area. those kids are fucking depressing. i've noticed, and granted i've only been teaching for a year and a half, but lots of my foster kids end up in rehab or the state hospital. it's really really depressing.

today mikey came back to class. he'd been hospitalized after being beaten over the head with a tire iron. six boys jumped him and his two friends (one being a girl who fought three boys) and broke his jaw and fractured his skull. his eyes are still cloudy with blood and his face is swollen. what touched me was his need to talk to me, to reach out for help.
this kid has probably been in my class for a total of four weeks all year. he's been expelled and sent to the alternative learning center for most of the year on drug charges. but i've always liked mikey. he's a really sweet kid and he's really been dealt a difficult hand.
in the past mikey has always kept to himself so you can imagine my surprise when he spilled his guts. he talked about his family and how cps is getting involved and he's eighteen but still classified as a sophomore but he needs to get a job to support his family since his mother and father are in jail now... and whew. i'm looking at this kid and i want to lay out a step-by-step plan to help him. i want to be able to change things for him. i casually remind him that violence breeds more violence and he might want to think about the people he hangs around. but come on. his buddies are all that he's got. he's not going to give them up. i think he's been pushing drugs. but i honestly believe him when he argues that he's trying to put food on the table for his sisters and mom. he doesn't strike me as an extravagant kid. i don't know. i promised him i'd talk to his counselor about taking the g.e.d.

i've got another kid who's getting death threats because he's been deemed a racist. apparently rumors are flying that he's part of the KKK and, whoa, that's enough to start a riot. he was shot at the other day and yesterday another girl told him to "watch his back for what he has coming." i want to scream at these kids. LOOK. violence is not going to change anyone's views. if anything, this guy is going to start hating black people because he's getting the shit kicked out of him for views he doesn't hold. it's a no-win situation. and unfortunately, it's continuing to escalate.

i actually had a few more disturbing conversations today but i don't feel like writing anymore. i know this sounds naive, but i want closure. i want to fix it. i'm amazed that my kids can sit through lectures and projects about old, white, dead people when they have so much shit going on around them. stuff i never dealt with when i was their age.

test this ****!

2005-02-16T18:56:00.000-08:00

we had the mandatory hour-long "training" over how to give a test. THE test. the test we're all teaching to (and swearing we're not). apparently this year we are not allowed to let the kids talk, even if everyone has finished their test. our testing period is 4 hours long. we're stuck in a room circulating kids we don't know (it's all by alpha order) and ensuring that not a peep is uttered. let's all enjoy a good laugh. AHAHAHA. and maybe a tear?
also, cell phones are considered an irregularity. if one so much as rings we're required to report it to Downtown (which a fellow teacher calls the Taj Mahal). cell phones are not allowed at my school but the kids have them. the management of the "no cell phone policy" has been shitty. it's a lost cause. so, i'm supposed to trust that 30-something kids of whom i have no relationship with will turn off their phones so my ass doesn't get jumped when i call downtown to report an irregularity? fuck that. i'm going to instruct my kids to take out their phones. examine the phone. caress the phone. then stick the phone on the edge of the desk. and turn it off. i don't care if the phone is visible. i just don't want the damn thing ringing. because of the irregularity.

i think testing is an irregularity.

blah.

2005-02-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

everyone around me has been assaulted with this crazy respiratory virus or the full-blown flu. being a hyperchondriac, this is my nightmare. my hands are cracking from repeated washing. my house smells like lysol. my classroom will soon smell like lysol (after a trip to the grocery store). and i'm going to post a sign that says COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU COUGH. for god's sake people.

and all this deepens my february funk. i mean, i'm down in the trenches people. i have no patience at this point, and i can turn from a really cheery teacher to a nasty, sarcastic wench in a few seconds. oddly, my first period was terrible this morning and my fourth period was great. it's normally the reverse. in first period there's this kid who's come back to class and he's driving me insane. and i know it's partly my fault because i'm really worn down right now and i don't have the energy to redirect and correct him. and some days i'd rather talk about pop culture than stupid history. and i love history! as you can see, i'm funktified.

just for kicks, let me relay a conversation i had today. i have these conversations all the time, but i'm irritable today and it got under my skin.

Whiney Student: Ms, am I missing anything?
MH: You seem to be missing the section reviews from last Thursday.
WS: What's that?
MH: That was the assignment when you had a sub. Last Thursday. Were you here that day?
WS: Yes. I think I was. What was it?
MH: It was Chapter 4, sections 2 and 3 review.
WS: What is that?
MH: You know, the review at the end of the section.
WS: Huh?
MH: The review. The questions at the end of the section. Located in Chapter 4. Section 2. and then section 3.
WS: Wait, what does it look like?
MH: THE REVIEW YOU FOOL. AT THE END OF THE SECTION. THE QUESTIONS. FOUND AT THE END OF EVERY SECTION.
okay, really I said this:
MH: You know how each section ends with a few review questions? It was that. Go look in the book.
(student walks over to book)
WS: Oh, wait. I think I was absent on Thursday.

it's not like this child has never seen a review before. i mean, it's a review. a section review. this is not novel.
on a lighter note, my fourth period was cracking me up today. ever since i hurt my foot they've really been nagging me to go to the doctor. on friday they told me i'll need surgery and possibly get gangrene if i don't go. i checked on the possible surgery. they were scaring me on that one. i'm pretty gullible and it's like those flying alien ship jokes from junior high are back. only this time they sort of crack me up.

update

2005-02-12T17:45:00.000-08:00

after i spoke with eddie's oh-so-charming step-dad, i was hoping he'd come to class. i kind of thought (from experiences last year) it wouldn't make much of a difference, but i had hope in my heart. alas, eddie has not come back to class.

i saw eddie in the hall on friday. "eddie!" i exclaimed. and then suddenly it hit me. i've been going about this all wrong. eddie is oppositional deviant. so why bug him to come to class? i've earned a reputation of being slightly crazy (madhatterish), so hey, why not embrace my stereotype?
"ohmigosh. eddie. i've been going about this all wrong. i know this now."
"what, ms?"
"you're going to do the opposite of what i tell you to do. it's like a perpetual Opposite Day. sooo, eddie. please don't come to class. please."
eddie's eyes widen and he looks at me as though i've got a few screws loose.
"huh?" he says.
"i mean, eddie, whatever you do: do not come to class. please do not help yourself, or your grade for that matter. please. i beg of you. do not come to class. walk the halls! skip!" i exclaimed.
eddie began to laugh. "ms., you are crazy."

no, i'm desperate.

"Man, you're always hurting yourself Ms.!"

2005-02-11T13:33:00.000-08:00

This February has been especially funky for me. I've been getting pretty burnt out and I decided to do the unthinkable: take a day off. gasp. I know. I was feeling sorta guilty. But I've missed one day this entire year and that was for professional development. And I've got my hands on lots of projects for the district and my school and, well, I was beginning to go a little crazy. For example, the other day I taught the wrong chapter to my sociology classes. This was a new low in my career. I explained to my students that I am slowly going insane and that particular incident was part of the early stages of insanity. So, yesterday was to be my mental health day.

Well, Wednesday night I decided that I, being 25, would stay out past 10 pm. That's right people, I was going to have a life. Unfortunately, I slipped on the bathroom floor and strained my ankle. So my mental health day was not spent outside or exercising or changing the oil in my car. It was spent on the couch with my leg propped up, eating Oreos and feeling sorry for myself.

I have to say, I've been surprised by my student's reactions to my crutches. They're faces literally fall and they exclaim, "What happened!" They've given me advice and offered to help me around the classroom. They want to know the story and we all share a laugh about how clumsy I am.

Today has been filled with feelings of comradery and warmth. It makes me feel not so burnt out and irritated. It's a nice contrast to the little Mardi Gras hellions from earlier this week.

But...I'm secretly wondering if my foot injury is pay-back for actually taking a day off.